Monday, March 28, 2005

Interns: A History (part two)

Previously on Interns: A History...
"Plato... Egyptians... Romans...."

We now continue with Interns: A History...

INTERNS

PART II: The Awkward Years

The Middle Ages hit the intern community hard. It was a confusing time. Feudalism was common practice and lands changed hands often. Servants of one master could quickly become the servants of another. Interns were without stability. The entire intern community lacked motivation. Because, why try to move ahead in the feudal career world of one lord when that lord's head could very well be on top of a pike by the end of week.

The Middle Ages are also scattered as far as information about the intern goes. I scoured my many databases* and logged many hours viewing said data.** The thoroughness of my presentation will no doubt attest to this.***

The same can be said for the many other important parts of history. The Crusades, the Renaissance, the Enlightenment; it’s safe to assume that interns played a major role in all of these events. All I found – again, during my tireless research effort – were web pages entitled “All Nude Girls Of The Crusades,” and “Hot Girl-On-Girl Action During The Renaissance,” and “Learn About The Enlightenment While You Enlarge Your Penis.” ****

However, intern activity picked up again in The New World. Columbus used interns when he discovered America.*****


COLUMBUS
Hmm... those natives don’t look
very friendly. [clap clap] Intern!
Take a rowboat ashore and greet
those natives.


INTERN
They look like they have spears.
That can’t be a good sign.


COLUMBUS
Those are just “welcome spears.”

INTERN
Uh, I don’t think—

COLUMBUS
Hey! Who’s Columbus?
Huh? Who’s Columbus?

INTERN
...
You’re Columbus.

COLUMBUS
Damn straight. Now, put
on your “meet & greet” face.


INTERN
Like this?

COLUMBUS
No, that’s a “I-want-to-massacre-
your-people-and-treat-them-as-

subhuman-for-generations-to-

come” face.
...
Work on that.


But the event that is considered by most to have jumpstarted the intern community is the American Revolution. It is there that we saw a true specialization of the position. No longer were interns sacrificed merely for the entertainment of others, or thrown to the front lines as human shields, or, as in one unfortunate case during the Renaissance, ground up into a fine paste and used to make the color “intern.” Interns who wanted to aid the revolution had to hold specific job skills.

It just so happens that I’ve acquired a copy of the very ad used to recruit the future American revolutionaries.


------------------------

WANTED:
Interns To Join Rebellion, Help Throw

Off Chains Of Tyranny, Perform Menial Office Tasks

JOBS INCLUDE:
Light filing

Nation founding

Copying (by hand -- remember, 1700’s -- we have no Xerox machine)

Quill sharpening

Red Coat sticking


SKILLS NEEDED:

MUST have experience founding nations.

MUST be able to fire (then reload) musket in under a minute.

MUST be okay with the possibility of meeting the maker.

MUST be easy-going, cheerful people person who can change to ravenous, gun-toting revolutionary on very short notice.

MUST be able to cover for bosses when Native Americans come by to complain. Acceptable responses include...


1. “Genocide? You’re gonna wanna talk to human resources about that.”

2. “Those blankets were infected when we got them.”

3. “I’m sorry, the forefathers are at a brunch/luncheon.”


MUST be able to simultaneously laugh at and disregard the irony of liberating yourself from a tyrannical power, founding a nation based on freedom, and owning slaves.


QUICK QUESTIONS:

Are you British?

Do you think Great Britain is really all that great?

Do you own any red coats?

Are you violently allergic to tea?

Are you a Native American who is upset with the colonizing force for killing your people and giving you infected blankets?


If you answered
YES to the last question, there’s no need to go on. We have all we need, and we thank you for your interest. If you said NO, please continue.

...


What’s up with those Native Americans, huh? I mean, with their buffaloes and their teepees and their animal names? What’s that about? We know. Totally weird, right?


------------------------



* Pornography websites.
** Pornography.
*** "this" meaning pornography.
**** False advertising... their information on The Enlightenment is mediocre at best.
***** Little known fact: America was once known as the “West Indies.”




Next time on Interns: A History...
PART III: The 20th Century and Beyond!


35 Comments:

At 7:54 PM, Blogger okstatendn said...

Teepees and a nondestructive coexistence with the environment. Them injuns CRAZY.

 
At 8:39 PM, Blogger sarah the great and wise said...

Enlightenment, the Renaissance, and Porn. Not things you would normally connect.

 
At 8:46 PM, Blogger jazz said...

re: your research. i ran into the same problem! in college i had to write a paper on the renaissance period myself and am STILL getting spam from all the x-rated sites i had to enter in search of valuable information for said paper.

note to self: don't read andy's blog in library. i laugh out loud and get dirty looks.

 
At 10:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want an internship in NYC, I've applied at lots of places, any tips for me?

 
At 10:49 PM, Anonymous Nathan said...

I want an internship in NYC, I've applied at lots of places, any tips for me?

 
At 11:01 PM, Blogger Parker said...

'Intern' used to be my favorite Crayola color.

I remember one time in 2nd grade, i colored a picture with nothing but my coveted 'Intern' crayon. It was my masterwork.

My fellow grade schoolers were very impressed. As was my teacher. So much so, that my parents were called in, got chatted up by the (most-envious-of-my-talent) principal, and agreed to send me to an agent, Dr Timmons. He was quite the note-taker.

I'm not allowed to crayon anymore. The world isn't ready, it was explained.

 
At 12:36 AM, Blogger lovelygreensweater said...

ahhhh, an interns work* is never finished. Sigh.

*Life without a Xerox machine makes work very difficult for the everyday intern.

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger Geeves said...

haha...good stuff. Welcome spears are quite possibly the best kind of spears

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger Christopher Willard author of Garbage Head said...

Hey I really like your resume. How about an internship? We can offer you no pay, long hours, lots of demeaning comments, no job security. Oh yeah, maybe you can get payroll to spot you subway fare. ON secont thought.....

 
At 12:20 PM, Blogger adrock2xander said...

How the hell did a popular site like yours get linked to my site??

*scratches head*

 
At 10:51 PM, Blogger A Poor White Man said...

YEAH!I can actually post a comment. GO BLOGGER!

Another great episode Andy. Looking forward to the third installment.

 
At 6:14 AM, Blogger - Jimmyjay said...

Chide if you must, junebug, but 'Intern' is the new 'Mauve'. This information cost me $3000 in consultation fees. It's your for free. (You gotta love the internnet).

 
At 9:19 PM, Anonymous Cheese said...

Is it wrong that I'm in love with you? Hahaha, totally kidding... or AM I? Anyway how fuckin' awesome that you intern at Comedy Central. Hell I'd rather be an intern there than have "job" anywhere else on the planet. Well, with the exception of possibly interning for Conan O'brien who is in fact, the wind beneath my wings.

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

Interning is the entire reason I support Imperialism. Through the efforts of Great Britain and now our own exalted nation, we have turned once productive poor farmers into exhausted, overworked, poor ex-college students! What could be more glorious?

I will have you know, that I just inherited my first intern. I can't wait to make her do all the useless crap I am currently expected to do (i.e. WORK!). I will have so much more time for calling my friends, taking long lunches, and blogging once she arrives...I will be sure she takes at least one full day to understand the glorious tradition of the Intern. Thank you for the summary.

 
At 3:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i didn't find your post amusing...have more respect for the natives. you are a total loser for tryig to make a joke out of something that was (and continues to be) very painful and sad

 
At 8:25 PM, Anonymous Intern-has-been said...

I was an intern in NYC. I was an unpaid intern, but I had to take the subway to get to my internship, so basically I PAID to work at the place. Then I found out some people get stipends from their internship, not just credit. Soon I was interning elsewhere!

 
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