Monday, March 14, 2005

What The Scientologists In The Subway Are Really Up To

In the comments on one of my previous entries, a blogger named meems (credit where credit is due) had mentioned the Scientologists who occupy a specific corridor in Grand Central station and was curious to know what they were up to. Now, for those unaware, Scientology is a religion started by a man named L. Ron Hubbard. Actually, I should say founded, rather than started. Founded implies a legitimacy, like the religion exists outside of time. As if, while walking with your friend Budd, you trip over something in a field.* "Hot damn, Budd. Well, I'll be. It's one of them religions."

I'm not familiar with all the specifics of Scientology, but I'm sure I could pretend pretty well. There may or may not be a god named Scientor. I'll get back to you on that.

The Scientologists who inhabit the corridor in Grand Central, on the way to the shuttle to Times Square, give out free stress tests and copies of books written by L. Ron Hubbard. You should be very suspicious of anyone who uses an abbreviated first name. Sure, it could be Larry Ron Hubbard. And, in that case, I'd almost understand the need for abbreviation. But, it could also be Lucifer Ron Hubbard. So, the next time you're getting a stress test, remember that they might be simply trying to relax you for the torturously painful trip to Hell. Or, they may just steal your wallet as you doze off. Either way, it's a bit of a downer for you.

But what are these Scientologists up to? What is their ultimate goal? What does Scientor look like? Does he have horns? Mandibles? Is it a he at all? We always just assume that when a name is as aggressive-sounding as Scientor (or Skeletor for that matter), it's automatically a male. I’d like to think Scientor is female. With mandibles. Possibly horns. And a suit. Why can't gods where suits?


The Goal of the Grand Central Scientologists

World domination?
Think smaller.
Hemisphere domination?
Smaller yet.
Country domination?
Come on.
State, city, township?
...
Grand Central subway station corridor domination?
Bingo.


Think about it. Thousands of people have to walk through that particular corridor everyday. That's thousands of people who are very, very slowly becoming servants of Scientology. Sure, the effects aren't seen immediately. Walking through a corridor wouldn't appear to enslave a common New Yorker, but over the course of say -- oh, I don't know -- 1,000 years, a person could become essentially brainwashed.

And that's the brilliance behind the Scientologists in the corridor leading to the shuttle to Times Square. They're patient. We Christians operate a bit differently...


CHRISTIAN
Hey, is that your god?

NON-CHRISTIAN
Why yes it is.

CHRISTIAN
No, it's not.

NON-CHRISTIAN
It's not?

CHRISTIAN
Nope.

NON-CHRISTIAN
Okay.


See? We're crafty like that. But Scientologists...


SCIENTOLOGIST
Excuse me, friend. Would you
like a free stress test and to possibly
learn more about Scientology?

NON-SCIENTOLOGIST
Oh, no, thank you, I'm fine.

SCIENTOLOGIST
Okay, no problem. Have a good day!

NON-SCIENTOLOGIST
Um, thanks. You, too! ... Oh, geez.
I feel like such an ass now. This guy was
just trying to be nice, and I'm all, "No, I
don't want to." Maybe I am too stressed
out. Maybe there is something to this
Scientology business.



1,000 years later? ENSLAVED. Here's a graphic to help drive the point home.




So, the next time you're confronted by Scientology, don't be critical, just be vigilant. And be especially careful on the web, because you never know when a site or a blog will throw Scientology at you.

...

Until then, I've discovered this amazing new way of looking at the universe, but more importantly, a new way of looking at myself. Take a look, or don't. There's no pressure at all. Or maybe there is, if that's how you want it. It's up to you... friend. Welcome to the new you.


*There's a Mormonism joke here, but I'll pass. I kid the Mormons.


80 Comments:

At 11:10 PM, Blogger Kim said...

You're right. I was compelled to click the link because of the lack of pressure.

Hail the Scientor.

:o)

 
At 11:15 PM, Blogger Courtney said...

I've been reading your blog for some time now, and this is by far my favorite.

 
At 11:39 PM, Blogger Dismas said...

I am PROFOUNDLY digging L'Ron's (Le Ron's?) ascot on the Scientor homepage. Thanks for the link and its glorious fashion-forwardness.

 
At 11:44 PM, Blogger Rat In A Cage said...

I just heard about this site yesterday & am really only poking around for the first time tonight. I'm from NY, and am going back to visit NYC in a couple of months. I will undoubtedly laugh hysterically when I see the brain washers & am already working on my excuse to say no. They weren't there when I left in '98. Very funny stuff. Loved the diagram and I emailed everyone I know the NYC Tourism Fact #86 - classic. Thanks. Reminds me I have to go sharpen my knife before the trip.

 
At 8:57 AM, Blogger Agent Curly said...

perhaps the scientologists should give free stress tests to the scary lost tribe boys in times square (b/c, hey, we all love free). and then they'd realize how stressful they r, and thus purchase a new book to read.

 
At 9:33 AM, Blogger Mimi in NY said...

Scientologists? How passé. How 1980's. How Tom Cruise. What's happening to this city? It's turning into kitsch bullshit. Give me some hippy-happy men in orange robes for a change. Or some kabbalism. Or a fucking Chanel cult. Now that would relieve some stress if they started handing out free designer purses on the Subway.

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger Warrior4JC said...

That is great stuff! I can see it now, SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY, it is the Battle between GOOD and EVIL. The "N" train lady* vs. the scientologist! The L has to be some intimidating name like Leslie, maybe it is a she!!! Great site!

God Bless!

* "N" train lady from God vs Satan, coming soon to a subway train near you previous post.

 
At 9:40 AM, Blogger phucker said...

Boy'm I glad Republicans like me don't fall for this brainwashing hokum....

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger twitterpated said...

At least they aren't passing out cups of Kool-Aid. I checked out the website and apparently I am "filled with toxins" and that I should run every day for a week, then sweat my ass off in a sauna.... and then I should read L. Ron Hubbards book and apparently this will increase my IQ 30 points. Is this a religion or is it an exercise program?

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger John said...

ok, mr. new york intern, is it just me, or is "blog" the most ridiculous word? i hate saying that I have a "blog." I'd much rather say it's my "journal" or it's my "diar..." wait, I'll stick with "journal"

young&aspiring

 
At 10:31 AM, Blogger bkkmei said...

wow. I clicked.
and now it's bookmarked.
thank you

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger bitterman said...

Hubbard looks more like a bad soap opera actor. That's why his first name is initialed. And speaking of mormons, I had a run in with them and man they make you feel guilty too. But they follow you around and you have to tell them "no" like ten times in one conversation. And they're so nice that you still feel guilty about it.

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger Sam said...

a friend of mine went to the Scientology people and they did personality tests. They showed him (on a computer print-out) exactly where his personality was weak and then showed him the books which he could BUY which would solve all his personality problems. hmmm.

sounds about as good as the yoga courses that cost xyz dollars an hour. all you gotta do is convince the people that they need your product...

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger OD said...

I ignored the scientologist 1200 years ago, now I've been enslaved to Scientor in an abondoned subway station beneath Manhattan since 1893.

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Jammerz said...

I heard a rumor that Scientologists have magic powers.
Obviously not the kind of magic powers that get you an oscar nomination ***CoughcoughTomcruisesuckscoughcouchgcough***

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger K said...

Dude! Why are you still an intern on The Daily Show - do they have their heads up their asses? You're a funny, funny writer .
Tell them I said so.

And I'm stuck working at an ad agency.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger leanleftshootstraight said...

Thanks for the laugh, even if you were being serious...

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger Teacher George said...

i know feel a certain need to read about Scientor... and i beat L.Ron Hubbard is probably "LISA" ... mm hmm and he is truly Scientor... think Wizard of Oz like... yeap

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger The Pirate said...

You're a pretty funny guy :)

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger Lia said...

What if I'm already a slave to the subway system? We have no choice but to submit to the constant messages from above: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please keep your eyes on your personal belongings. Do not look to your left or your right, and most especially, do not report the suspicious looking Scientologists to the police or an MTA employee." I can say it in my sleep.

Random Ramblings

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger Surviving Online Dating said...

How come we never see Atheists out there trying to convince others to join them??

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger Luke said...

Hail to Skeletor I say!

In fact, any bad guys I can think of with cool names... uhmmm... Mumra... Bizarro, Lex Luthor, Ming The Merciless... They're all good!

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger Dave said...

So that's what those guys are about....hah, those crazy scientologists....
by the way, hilarious blog.

 
At 5:18 PM, Blogger Carrie said...

I just found your blog and I have to say you are bloody brilliant. I've bookmarked it and will be reading it from now on.

 
At 7:14 PM, Blogger stoli said...

I guess it's safe to say that you won't be working on any projects with Tom Cruise or John Travolta or Kirstie Alley. I hear Jenna Elfman is in pretty deep, too. With your humor, I'm sure you'll do all right.

 
At 7:43 PM, Blogger Chevy Rose said...

I read the book back in the '80s and it was reading ok, until it says that every woman upon learning she's pregnant, her first impulse is to have an abortion, and this is "imprinted" into the unborn's cells. Accounting for everyone being born feeling unloved. Bullcrap, so I tossed it into trash bin. Just log it in with Armstrong's Worldwide Church of God, and a few others.

 
At 10:47 PM, Blogger Athena said...

I read a lot of L. Ron Hubbard's books when I was young and impressionable. I can't remember a lick, but from what you're telling me that's ALL PART OF BIG SPOOKY SCIENTOR'S BIG SPOOKY PLAN!

At least I didn't marry a Mormon! They couldn't fool me! HAHA!

Oh. Wait...

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger Diana said...

Hey...

I am in the intern application process right now. I go to college out in Long Island. I go to one of those universities pretty much for people who didnt get accepted by NYU. I am majoring in TV/Film Production. Anways your blog is very funny and have inspired me to write more in mine. Though I am never really sure if I have an audience. Its quite clear that you do. When the weather gets better the naked Cowboy will be out in Times Square..I'm sure you've heard of him. If you haven't then just wait. Anyway hopefully I'll be off this Island soon and interning in NYC this summer...on yet another Island.

 
At 10:55 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

Hillarious entry! :D I know exactly what you're referring to.

Thanks for the read.

 
At 10:56 PM, Blogger Lockheed Hayheehoo Macedon said...

I went to the 'church' of scientology in Times Square. I made them feel a bit silly.

 
At 11:37 PM, Blogger okstatendn said...

Hey Intern in New York,

That kid with the busted hand cuffs on The Daily Show... Was that you?

 
At 12:52 AM, Blogger Annie said...

You are hilarious! I have rushed past that stress test group at least a dozen times on my way to the S... next time I'll be slowin' it down for a laugh.
But I'll never be sucked in!!

 
At 3:52 AM, Blogger The Confessor said...

I'm a Mormon. And I kinda want to hear the joke. We Mormons won't be offended, I promise. We'll chuckle a bit as though it's funny, but mostly because we're so dang nice. Then when you're in Hell with the other disbelievers, we'll have the REAL laugh.

 
At 4:29 AM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Well... the joke is sort of self-contained within the post already, combined with having a general knowledge of how Mormonism was founded (there's that word again).

I thought "digging up a religion" was too much. Hehe, just kidding.

But not really.

 
At 7:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great site - couldn't see the graphic in the scientology page. Hail Scientor!

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger jmg1962 said...

Can you increase your font a little?

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger AKS said...

After reading your blog for awhile I finally had to say something. AWESOME blog.

 
At 12:07 PM, Blogger Jammerz said...

I was talking to someone about Scientology, apparently, Hubbard made Scientology to win a bet. The bet was he could start a religion and get people to follow it. I don't know if its true, but since Scientology is a made up religion, I'm thinking it could be true.

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger BACdanielle said...

I'm a first time reader of your bolg/journal -- very funny! No one has addressed the cult/religion of Amway! Those people are even more subversive. ;^)

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger As Bjorn said...

Very funny and entertaining. L. Ron wrote simply awful science fiction before he "discovered" Dianetics and later "founded" Scientology. Redemption for Scientologists consists of recovering every memory of every life you ever had. It's called (get this) "going clear." But as J. Smith and countless others have discovered there are always people hungry to believe the most absurd stuff. Like that story about that guy coming back from the dead! How gullible do they think we are!

 
At 8:09 PM, Blogger 123-I-Love-You said...

The scientologists want to relieve our stress? I've got an idea - give us back our Tom Cruise!

I'm just kidding. All religious are equally valid and true.

 
At 8:33 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

So fabulous! I passed the Scientology headquarters in Hollywood yesterday. The front is this beautiful 1920s architecture. It seemed so inviting and non-threatening. Then, we turned the corner and were confronted by myriad bad sci-fi posters. I felt pulled by my 2 loves - religious inquiry and bad media - I can see that this religion could be dangerous in its apparent non-approach to proselyting. I will remember your warnings about the subway for my next NYC visit.

 
At 8:37 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 10:28 PM, Blogger Your Optimistic Cynic said...

Scientology is founded on the belief that we were put here by space aliens (not so crazy if you ask the Masons) and that hooking yourself up to an E-meter (similar to what the Soviet secret police used) will set your mind free.
A bit of irony: The Cult Awareness Hotline is run by the Church of Scientology.

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger Clayton said...

You got me thinking ...
What does Scientor look like? Does he have horns? Mandibles? Is it a he at all? We always just assume that when a name is as aggressive-sounding as Scientor (or Skeletor for that matter), it's automatically a male. I’d like to think Scientor is female. With mandibles. Possibly horns. And a suit. Why can't gods where suits?
Hmmm I can only think of one gender ubiquitous, horned, yet classily dressed supernatural beast seen
here
But alas... no mandibles. Although I haven't ruled out Bruce Vilanch yet.

 
At 12:15 AM, Blogger meems said...

i was wondering why there were so many hits to my profile...

anyway, i also have heard that scientology was made up on a drunken bet. but who cares about that if it brings such joy and light to so many? and apparently they can really help you out with your stress.

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger Luke said...

I've considered 'founding' my own religion... whose with me?

I basically involves you all being oppressed... uh, I mean.. lead by 1 person (me hopefully), the gradual takeover / procurement of entire countries and civilisations, and fear from my authoratitive Iron Fist...

If you would like to join, drop me a line. If it kicks off, it might be kinda fun!

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger Adam Logan said...

So I am also a first time reader, and I laughed out loud when I saw your timeline graphic. Last month I was in Berlin touring and this guy came up to me and lured me into his Scientologist compound while muttering half english half german...ended up with a stressful stress test and a free book. Very, very confusing. Thanks for the laugh though.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger James said...

Your blog is great. where do u originate? That scientor thing made me feel guilty

Keep up the laughs

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger LC Greenwood said...

"Getting Clear" involves clearing your body of "Thetans" ... the souls of those killed by Xenu. An extraterrestrial being who is now trapped in a volcano.

I wish I were kidding.

Also, be careful about what you say about Scientology. Anyone who isn't a member is considered an enemy and they are Lawsuit happy. They sue ANYONE who publicly defames their "religion".

 
At 1:39 AM, Blogger c said...

Howdy.

I apologize for the lateness of my proposal, as I have only discovered you today! I'm sure you get many.

However, mine is special, see.

If you marry me I will give you LOTS OF POPSICLES.

Lots.

Have a good one.

 
At 9:33 AM, Blogger Not Nevada geek. said...

Subway? The words of the Profit(sic) are written on the Subway walls (and tenement halls etc)., if we only have time to stop and stare.

 
At 9:45 AM, Anonymous Mary said...

Mary said...
Love your blog and sense of humor. We need a lot more of this especially when religion has become such a lightening rod for anger and control. Keep it going-I'll be reading. Go Interns!

 
At 11:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Scientologists also block the crowded corridor at Times Square that you have to cross to transfer from the ACE line to the 1239 and NRWQ lines. As if it's not tough enough to navigate through there at almost any time of day. However, they do have to compete with the $5 DVD sellers, an odd assortment of musical acts, and Christian evangelists.

My most entertaining "religious" experience in NYC, though, is the Jehovah's Witnesses. See, I live in a predominantly Spanish-speaking neighborhood, but I don't speak Spanish. So when they knock on MY door on any given Saturday, all it takes me to get out of their clutches is "no hablo espanol." That would never have worked where I grew up. :)

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger Jackie O. said...

I just stumbled upon your site and GASPED! They're invading us from all coasts, right in front of your eyes and we don't even realize the imminent danger we are in. A couple of weeks ago I was walking around downtown San Fran and noticed the same set-up. What first caught my eye was the sign for the stress test and then I noticed the huge stacks of books by Leroy Hubbard. I fainted right there. It was due to high levels of stress.

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger Jenny Bean said...

Hey, intern-boy, what are you doing, working or something? You haven't posted all week. What am I supposed to do without posts to read? And what about the poor souls who depend on you for laughter? They're off crying in a corner. Crying! And it's all your fault. Good going. (Love the site, by the by.)

 
At 7:31 PM, Blogger julia said...

it's 9:30 a.m. here, and it's
great to start the day with a
laugh... Thanks, I needed that...

 
At 8:58 PM, Blogger - Jimmyjay said...

I was looking at the photo of the image of Scientor that keeps popping up in remote areas of Mexico and it strikes me as odd that North Anericans worship an image of Scientor based on mid-century European renderings (notably based on Remdrandt's 'The Last Brunch'). Truth is, Dianetics (Chapter 12, verse 9) explicity describes Scientor as looking like Samuel L. Jackson. Nonetheless, one Scientor Blog says that Jeffrey Jones will be playing him in the upcoming 'Passion of The Scientor'. (Not to be confused with the late 60's French art-cinema piece 'Passion of Scientor'). So much for cultural accuracy.

 
At 3:54 AM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Hey, intern-boy, what are you doing, working or something? You haven't posted all week. What am I supposed to do without posts to read? And what about the poor souls who depend on you for laughter? They're off crying in a corner. Crying! And it's all your fault. Good going. (Love the site, by the by.)

Hehe, thanks, I appeciate that. Don't worry, I haven't forgot. This week was kind of busy, but I will post very, very soon.

Depending on me. Poor souls, indeed.

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger staticfurrball said...

Your Blog is hilarious, it's right up their with the Budweiser Ode to the Working Class commercials you hear on the radio. Intern boy you deserve to get paid more... Thanks for pointing out the minor character flaws that makes NYC the best place on Earth! Where people can learn religion for free in subway corridors, God Bless America.

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Staggering Angel said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

Marry me, Andy. That is all I have to say.

 
At 2:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you've brought all kinds of joy to my day.

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger Innocent Monster said...

I'm from NY City 'n' also a blogger, Stared usin' it few days back 'n' I really loved your blog. It looks like you 're Scientor, Coz the way you talk in your blog is like you present stressless test to the readers. LOL!
I 'll continue readin' it.
take care, God bless you....

 
At 8:44 PM, Blogger makemoneytravel said...

Hi there! I found your blog while browsing and it is hiliarious! I've been a Scientologist since 1997 and it is always amazing to me to read these kinds of responses. Aren't blogs great?
I can't wait to see what you write next!

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger Shavonne said...

Is the scientology website suppose to get me to want to be a Scientor? Well, it didn't. Interesting point about religion though.

 
At 8:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent piece. I have one minor critique, though. I wouldn't say Scientology was started or founded. I'd say hatched. Y'know -- like a scheme. L. Ron is famous for telling Arthur C. Clarke that "the way to make a million dollars is to start a religion" or some such.

Anyone interested in more laughs at ascot-clad Scientor's expense should check out Operation Clambake -- sadly, though, a lot of the stuff there ain't so funny.

That said, if you really want a shallow, for-profit religion that doesn't take itself so seriously, look into The Church of the SubGenius. Praise Bob.

 
At 2:23 AM, Blogger JonasCanon said...

i really can't believe you are all so dumb, csp. the creator of this blog.

 
At 11:00 AM, Blogger ~ jordana said...

Oh now...I think that you freaked out Tom Cruise and now he feels the need to defend Scientology. Don't believe me? Check it out!

 
At 2:23 PM, Blogger ellalea22 said...

AWESOME!!! KEEP IT COMING ANDY!!!

 
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At 2:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

it's XENU, not scientor :-)

http://www.xenu.net/archive/leaflet/xenuleaf.htm

 
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