What The Scientologists In The Subway Are Really Up To
In the comments on one of my previous entries, a blogger named meems (credit where credit is due) had mentioned the Scientologists who occupy a specific corridor in Grand Central station and was curious to know what they were up to. Now, for those unaware, Scientology is a religion started by a man named L. Ron Hubbard. Actually, I should say founded, rather than started. Founded implies a legitimacy, like the religion exists outside of time. As if, while walking with your friend Budd, you trip over something in a field.* "Hot damn, Budd. Well, I'll be. It's one of them religions."I'm not familiar with all the specifics of Scientology, but I'm sure I could pretend pretty well. There may or may not be a god named Scientor. I'll get back to you on that.
The Scientologists who inhabit the corridor in Grand Central, on the way to the shuttle to Times Square, give out free stress tests and copies of books written by L. Ron Hubbard. You should be very suspicious of anyone who uses an abbreviated first name. Sure, it could be Larry Ron Hubbard. And, in that case, I'd almost understand the need for abbreviation. But, it could also be Lucifer Ron Hubbard. So, the next time you're getting a stress test, remember that they might be simply trying to relax you for the torturously painful trip to Hell. Or, they may just steal your wallet as you doze off. Either way, it's a bit of a downer for you.
But what are these Scientologists up to? What is their ultimate goal? What does Scientor look like? Does he have horns? Mandibles? Is it a he at all? We always just assume that when a name is as aggressive-sounding as Scientor (or Skeletor for that matter), it's automatically a male. I’d like to think Scientor is female. With mandibles. Possibly horns. And a suit. Why can't gods where suits?
The Goal of the Grand Central ScientologistsWorld domination?
Think smaller.
Hemisphere domination?
Smaller yet.
Country domination?
Come on.
State, city, township?
...
Grand Central subway station corridor domination?
Bingo.
Think about it. Thousands of people have to walk through that particular corridor everyday. That's thousands of people who are very, very slowly becoming servants of Scientology. Sure, the effects aren't seen immediately. Walking through a corridor wouldn't appear to enslave a common New Yorker, but over the course of say -- oh, I don't know -- 1,000 years, a person could become essentially brainwashed.
And that's the brilliance behind the Scientologists in the corridor leading to the shuttle to Times Square. They're patient. We Christians operate a bit differently...
CHRISTIAN
Hey, is that your god?
NON-CHRISTIAN
Why yes it is.
CHRISTIAN
No, it's not.
NON-CHRISTIAN
It's not?
CHRISTIAN
Nope.
NON-CHRISTIAN
Okay.
See? We're crafty like that. But Scientologists...
SCIENTOLOGIST
Excuse me, friend. Would you
like a free stress test and to possibly
learn more about Scientology?
NON-SCIENTOLOGIST
Oh, no, thank you, I'm fine.
SCIENTOLOGIST
Okay, no problem. Have a good day!
NON-SCIENTOLOGIST
Um, thanks. You, too! ... Oh, geez.
I feel like such an ass now. This guy was
just trying to be nice, and I'm all, "No, I
don't want to." Maybe I am too stressed
out. Maybe there is something to this
Scientology business.
Excuse me, friend. Would you
like a free stress test and to possibly
learn more about Scientology?
NON-SCIENTOLOGIST
Oh, no, thank you, I'm fine.
SCIENTOLOGIST
Okay, no problem. Have a good day!
NON-SCIENTOLOGIST
Um, thanks. You, too! ... Oh, geez.
I feel like such an ass now. This guy was
just trying to be nice, and I'm all, "No, I
don't want to." Maybe I am too stressed
out. Maybe there is something to this
Scientology business.
1,000 years later? ENSLAVED. Here's a graphic to help drive the point home.
So, the next time you're confronted by Scientology, don't be critical, just be vigilant. And be especially careful on the web, because you never know when a site or a blog will throw Scientology at you.
...
Until then, I've discovered this amazing new way of looking at the universe, but more importantly, a new way of looking at myself. Take a look, or don't. There's no pressure at all. Or maybe there is, if that's how you want it. It's up to you... friend. Welcome to the new you.
*There's a Mormonism joke here, but I'll pass. I kid the Mormons.
posted by Andy @ 9:30 PM
46 Comments:
You're right. I was compelled to click the link because of the lack of pressure.
Hail the Scientor.
:o)
I've been reading your blog for some time now, and this is by far my favorite.
I am PROFOUNDLY digging L'Ron's (Le Ron's?) ascot on the Scientor homepage. Thanks for the link and its glorious fashion-forwardness.
I just heard about this site yesterday & am really only poking around for the first time tonight. I'm from NY, and am going back to visit NYC in a couple of months. I will undoubtedly laugh hysterically when I see the brain washers & am already working on my excuse to say no. They weren't there when I left in '98. Very funny stuff. Loved the diagram and I emailed everyone I know the NYC Tourism Fact #86 - classic. Thanks. Reminds me I have to go sharpen my knife before the trip.
Scientologists? How passé. How 1980's. How Tom Cruise. What's happening to this city? It's turning into kitsch bullshit. Give me some hippy-happy men in orange robes for a change. Or some kabbalism. Or a fucking Chanel cult. Now that would relieve some stress if they started handing out free designer purses on the Subway.
Boy'm I glad Republicans like me don't fall for this brainwashing hokum....
At least they aren't passing out cups of Kool-Aid. I checked out the website and apparently I am "filled with toxins" and that I should run every day for a week, then sweat my ass off in a sauna.... and then I should read L. Ron Hubbards book and apparently this will increase my IQ 30 points. Is this a religion or is it an exercise program?
ok, mr. new york intern, is it just me, or is "blog" the most ridiculous word? i hate saying that I have a "blog." I'd much rather say it's my "journal" or it's my "diar..." wait, I'll stick with "journal"
young&aspiring
wow. I clicked.
and now it's bookmarked.
thank you
a friend of mine went to the Scientology people and they did personality tests. They showed him (on a computer print-out) exactly where his personality was weak and then showed him the books which he could BUY which would solve all his personality problems. hmmm.
sounds about as good as the yoga courses that cost xyz dollars an hour. all you gotta do is convince the people that they need your product...
i know feel a certain need to read about Scientor... and i beat L.Ron Hubbard is probably "LISA" ... mm hmm and he is truly Scientor... think Wizard of Oz like... yeap
You're a pretty funny guy :)
What if I'm already a slave to the subway system? We have no choice but to submit to the constant messages from above: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please keep your eyes on your personal belongings. Do not look to your left or your right, and most especially, do not report the suspicious looking Scientologists to the police or an MTA employee." I can say it in my sleep.
Random Ramblings
I just found your blog and I have to say you are bloody brilliant. I've bookmarked it and will be reading it from now on.
I read the book back in the '80s and it was reading ok, until it says that every woman upon learning she's pregnant, her first impulse is to have an abortion, and this is "imprinted" into the unborn's cells. Accounting for everyone being born feeling unloved. Bullcrap, so I tossed it into trash bin. Just log it in with Armstrong's Worldwide Church of God, and a few others.
I read a lot of L. Ron Hubbard's books when I was young and impressionable. I can't remember a lick, but from what you're telling me that's ALL PART OF BIG SPOOKY SCIENTOR'S BIG SPOOKY PLAN!
At least I didn't marry a Mormon! They couldn't fool me! HAHA!
Oh. Wait...
Hey...
I am in the intern application process right now. I go to college out in Long Island. I go to one of those universities pretty much for people who didnt get accepted by NYU. I am majoring in TV/Film Production. Anways your blog is very funny and have inspired me to write more in mine. Though I am never really sure if I have an audience. Its quite clear that you do. When the weather gets better the naked Cowboy will be out in Times Square..I'm sure you've heard of him. If you haven't then just wait. Anyway hopefully I'll be off this Island soon and interning in NYC this summer...on yet another Island.
I went to the 'church' of scientology in Times Square. I made them feel a bit silly.
Hey Intern in New York,
That kid with the busted hand cuffs on The Daily Show... Was that you?
I'm a Mormon. And I kinda want to hear the joke. We Mormons won't be offended, I promise. We'll chuckle a bit as though it's funny, but mostly because we're so dang nice. Then when you're in Hell with the other disbelievers, we'll have the REAL laugh.
Well... the joke is sort of self-contained within the post already, combined with having a general knowledge of how Mormonism was founded (there's that word again).
I thought "digging up a religion" was too much. Hehe, just kidding.
But not really.
Great site - couldn't see the graphic in the scientology page. Hail Scientor!
Can you increase your font a little?
Very funny and entertaining. L. Ron wrote simply awful science fiction before he "discovered" Dianetics and later "founded" Scientology. Redemption for Scientologists consists of recovering every memory of every life you ever had. It's called (get this) "going clear." But as J. Smith and countless others have discovered there are always people hungry to believe the most absurd stuff. Like that story about that guy coming back from the dead! How gullible do they think we are!
The scientologists want to relieve our stress? I've got an idea - give us back our Tom Cruise!
I'm just kidding. All religious are equally valid and true.
So fabulous! I passed the Scientology headquarters in Hollywood yesterday. The front is this beautiful 1920s architecture. It seemed so inviting and non-threatening. Then, we turned the corner and were confronted by myriad bad sci-fi posters. I felt pulled by my 2 loves - religious inquiry and bad media - I can see that this religion could be dangerous in its apparent non-approach to proselyting. I will remember your warnings about the subway for my next NYC visit.
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Scientology is founded on the belief that we were put here by space aliens (not so crazy if you ask the Masons) and that hooking yourself up to an E-meter (similar to what the Soviet secret police used) will set your mind free.
A bit of irony: The Cult Awareness Hotline is run by the Church of Scientology.
You got me thinking ...
What does Scientor look like? Does he have horns? Mandibles? Is it a he at all? We always just assume that when a name is as aggressive-sounding as Scientor (or Skeletor for that matter), it's automatically a male. I’d like to think Scientor is female. With mandibles. Possibly horns. And a suit. Why can't gods where suits?
Hmmm I can only think of one gender ubiquitous, horned, yet classily dressed supernatural beast seen
here
But alas... no mandibles. Although I haven't ruled out Bruce Vilanch yet.
i was wondering why there were so many hits to my profile...
anyway, i also have heard that scientology was made up on a drunken bet. but who cares about that if it brings such joy and light to so many? and apparently they can really help you out with your stress.
So I am also a first time reader, and I laughed out loud when I saw your timeline graphic. Last month I was in Berlin touring and this guy came up to me and lured me into his Scientologist compound while muttering half english half german...ended up with a stressful stress test and a free book. Very, very confusing. Thanks for the laugh though.
"Getting Clear" involves clearing your body of "Thetans" ... the souls of those killed by Xenu. An extraterrestrial being who is now trapped in a volcano.
I wish I were kidding.
Also, be careful about what you say about Scientology. Anyone who isn't a member is considered an enemy and they are Lawsuit happy. They sue ANYONE who publicly defames their "religion".
Howdy.
I apologize for the lateness of my proposal, as I have only discovered you today! I'm sure you get many.
However, mine is special, see.
If you marry me I will give you LOTS OF POPSICLES.
Lots.
Have a good one.
Mary said...
Love your blog and sense of humor. We need a lot more of this especially when religion has become such a lightening rod for anger and control. Keep it going-I'll be reading. Go Interns!
The Scientologists also block the crowded corridor at Times Square that you have to cross to transfer from the ACE line to the 1239 and NRWQ lines. As if it's not tough enough to navigate through there at almost any time of day. However, they do have to compete with the $5 DVD sellers, an odd assortment of musical acts, and Christian evangelists.
My most entertaining "religious" experience in NYC, though, is the Jehovah's Witnesses. See, I live in a predominantly Spanish-speaking neighborhood, but I don't speak Spanish. So when they knock on MY door on any given Saturday, all it takes me to get out of their clutches is "no hablo espanol." That would never have worked where I grew up. :)
I just stumbled upon your site and GASPED! They're invading us from all coasts, right in front of your eyes and we don't even realize the imminent danger we are in. A couple of weeks ago I was walking around downtown San Fran and noticed the same set-up. What first caught my eye was the sign for the stress test and then I noticed the huge stacks of books by Leroy Hubbard. I fainted right there. It was due to high levels of stress.
Hey, intern-boy, what are you doing, working or something? You haven't posted all week. What am I supposed to do without posts to read? And what about the poor souls who depend on you for laughter? They're off crying in a corner. Crying! And it's all your fault. Good going. (Love the site, by the by.)
I was looking at the photo of the image of Scientor that keeps popping up in remote areas of Mexico and it strikes me as odd that North Anericans worship an image of Scientor based on mid-century European renderings (notably based on Remdrandt's 'The Last Brunch'). Truth is, Dianetics (Chapter 12, verse 9) explicity describes Scientor as looking like Samuel L. Jackson. Nonetheless, one Scientor Blog says that Jeffrey Jones will be playing him in the upcoming 'Passion of The Scientor'. (Not to be confused with the late 60's French art-cinema piece 'Passion of Scientor'). So much for cultural accuracy.
Hey, intern-boy, what are you doing, working or something? You haven't posted all week. What am I supposed to do without posts to read? And what about the poor souls who depend on you for laughter? They're off crying in a corner. Crying! And it's all your fault. Good going. (Love the site, by the by.)
Hehe, thanks, I appeciate that. Don't worry, I haven't forgot. This week was kind of busy, but I will post very, very soon.
Depending on me. Poor souls, indeed.
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you've brought all kinds of joy to my day.
I'm from NY City 'n' also a blogger, Stared usin' it few days back 'n' I really loved your blog. It looks like you 're Scientor, Coz the way you talk in your blog is like you present stressless test to the readers. LOL!
I 'll continue readin' it.
take care, God bless you....
Is the scientology website suppose to get me to want to be a Scientor? Well, it didn't. Interesting point about religion though.
Excellent piece. I have one minor critique, though. I wouldn't say Scientology was started or founded. I'd say hatched. Y'know -- like a scheme. L. Ron is famous for telling Arthur C. Clarke that "the way to make a million dollars is to start a religion" or some such.
Anyone interested in more laughs at ascot-clad Scientor's expense should check out Operation Clambake -- sadly, though, a lot of the stuff there ain't so funny.
That said, if you really want a shallow, for-profit religion that doesn't take itself so seriously, look into The Church of the SubGenius. Praise Bob.
i really can't believe you are all so dumb, csp. the creator of this blog.
it's XENU, not scientor :-)
http://www.xenu.net/archive/leaflet/xenuleaf.htm
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