What The Scientologists In The Subway Are Really Up ToIn the comments on one of my previous entries, a blogger named meems (credit where credit is due) had mentioned the Scientologists who occupy a specific corridor in Grand Central station and was curious to know what they were up to. Now, for those unaware, Scientology is a religion started by a man named L. Ron Hubbard. Actually, I should say founded, rather than started. Founded implies a legitimacy, like the religion exists outside of time. As if, while walking with your friend Budd, you trip over something in a field.* "Hot damn, Budd. Well, I'll be. It's one of them religions."
I'm not familiar with all the specifics of Scientology, but I'm sure I could pretend pretty well. There may or may not be a god named Scientor. I'll get back to you on that.
The Scientologists who inhabit the corridor in Grand Central, on the way to the shuttle to Times Square, give out free stress tests and copies of books written by L. Ron Hubbard. You should be very suspicious of anyone who uses an abbreviated first name. Sure, it could be Larry Ron Hubbard. And, in that case, I'd almost understand the need for abbreviation. But, it could also be Lucifer Ron Hubbard. So, the next time you're getting a stress test, remember that they might be simply trying to relax you for the torturously painful trip to Hell. Or, they may just steal your wallet as you doze off. Either way, it's a bit of a downer for you.
But what are these Scientologists up to? What is their ultimate goal? What does Scientor look like? Does he have horns? Mandibles? Is it a he at all? We always just assume that when a name is as aggressive-sounding as Scientor (or Skeletor for that matter), it's automatically a male. I’d like to think Scientor is female. With mandibles. Possibly horns. And a suit. Why can't gods where suits?
The Goal of the Grand Central ScientologistsWorld domination?
State, city, township?
Grand Central subway station corridor domination?
Think about it. Thousands of people have to walk through that particular corridor everyday. That's thousands of people who are very, very slowly becoming servants of Scientology. Sure, the effects aren't seen immediately. Walking through a corridor wouldn't appear to enslave a common New Yorker, but over the course of say -- oh, I don't know -- 1,000 years, a person could become essentially brainwashed.
And that's the brilliance behind the Scientologists in the corridor leading to the shuttle to Times Square. They're patient. We Christians operate a bit differently...
Hey, is that your god?
Why yes it is.
No, it's not.
See? We're crafty like that. But Scientologists...
Excuse me, friend. Would you
like a free stress test and to possibly
learn more about Scientology?
Oh, no, thank you, I'm fine.
Okay, no problem. Have a good day!
Um, thanks. You, too! ... Oh, geez.
I feel like such an ass now. This guy was
just trying to be nice, and I'm all, "No, I
don't want to." Maybe I am too stressed
out. Maybe there is something to this
1,000 years later? ENSLAVED. Here's a graphic to help drive the point home.
So, the next time you're confronted by Scientology, don't be critical, just be vigilant. And be especially careful on the web, because you never know when a site or a blog will throw Scientology at you.
Until then, I've discovered this amazing new way of looking at the universe, but more importantly, a new way of looking at myself. Take a look, or don't. There's no pressure at all. Or maybe there is, if that's how you want it. It's up to you... friend. Welcome to the new you.
*There's a Mormonism joke here, but I'll pass. I kid the Mormons.