St. Patrick: Patron Saint Of SlurringSorry for the delay in posts. I've been spending the week planning for my sister's visit to New York. She said, "I'll come as long as it's an expensive, crowded, and dirty town. But not drunken. I have no tolerance for drunkenness."
Enter March 17th, the date of her arrival and a date known across America as "Dude, we're totally getting shit-faced!" day. When I picked her up at the airport and saw the waves of green t-shirts exit the plane, I realized there were a lot of people coming to New York to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. So, this post is in honor of St. Patrick's Day Weekend.
ESSENTIAL ST. PATRICK'S DAY POST DISCLAIMER
I'm Irish. So, it's okay for me to make fun of the Irish and drunken behavior. Not that the two are in any way related. And, by that, I mean that there is a direct correlation.
Wait. Before you get all in a huff about my inappropriate generalization of the Irish, remember, besides being oblivious to the feelings of others, I'm also Irish. So, again, that makes it alright.
ESSENTIAL ST. PATRICK'S DAY POST DISCLAIMER DRINKING GAME
This is a drinking game created just for this post. Every time you become angry at the way I generalize the Irish, St. Patrick, or St. Patty's Day as purely alcohol-related, take a drink of alcohol. If you're Irish though, take two, because one would only be like water to you. Only less alcohol than water. In fact, take three or four, because we all know you're going to sneak in one or two during the game anyway, am I right? Let's make it fair for the non-Irish.
Now, I went to Catholic school growing up, so I've learned an awful lot about St. Patrick and other people important to Christian history. It would be rather selfish of me not to pass this knowledge along, so let me share with you a tidbit or two about the man...
Did you know St. Patrick was one of the original apostles? It's true.* Unfortunately, he was kicked out of Club Jesus (as it was called in those days) because of his "problem." As most know, Jesus is legendary for turning water into wine. But St. Patrick was legendary in his own right, drinking three gallons of it in under a half-hour. The wine was blessed of course, and it's said that he had a constant blood/blessed alcohol level of 0.2, which, as anyone familiar with the power of Christ knows, is pretty blessed up.
The apostles convened and decided that it would be for the best if St. Patrick, or Drinky McDrink-Drink as they called him behind his back, left Club Jesus for good. However, no one really had the guts to confront St. Patrick about his "problem" -- he was a rather mean drunk. Even Jesus didn't want to get on his bad side. "What? Are you trippin'?" said Jesus. "Shit. Son of God don't play that."
Everyone was scared of Drinky McDrink-Drink. Except for one. Simon Peter. None of the other apostles liked Simon much; they were all in general agreement that he was a dick. But, in situations like this, they used him for just that reason. So, Simon road to St. Patrick's house and, after finding him in a drunken stupor, forced him onto the camel and brought him to Jesus' house, where an intervention was planned.
This is a transcript of that intervention, taken from the Bible (the King James version, obviously)...
Listen, Pat. You're a cool guy
and all, but you're just not...
Club Jesus material.
What? You wanna fight
me, Jesus? I don't care who
your dad is.
Sit down and shut your mouth!
Thanks, Simon, but I think I can
handle it from here.
You just say the word, Christ,
and his ass is grass.
I appreciate that.
I'm just saying, shouldn't we
be mopping the floor with his
face right now?
Anyone have any pieces of
silver I can borrow?
Sorry, Judas. Simon, we don't treat
people like that. You know that.
I know, I know. But, man, I just
wanna kick ass so bad! Don't you?
Sometimes. But this is about Pat.
See, he's passed out. And I didn't
even get to kick ass!
Jesus, that rash came back.
I was wondering if you could...
Fine, whatever, it's healed.
No one has any pieces
Check Drinky McDrink-Drink
on the floor over there. I don't
think he's made it to the bars yet.
Matthew! Just for that you
get your rash back.
Oh, Jesus! But it itches so
Can I kick his ass?
I know the transcript doesn't really feature much of St. Patrick, but, to be fair, most of his appearances in the Bible consisted of others referring to him in the third person and muttering things like, "The neighbors aren't going to be happy when they find that," or "You think we should flip him over onto his stomach?" or "That table is not going to hold his weight for much more dancing," or "Oh! That's not pretty!" The transcript does show one thing, though. Simon; what a dick, right?
St. Patrick, although splitting with Club Jesus, went on to become a very famous face for Christianity, but also for his short-lived, off-shoot denomination, which he himself started with his buddies, called... well, let's just say that everyone regretted the name the next morning, but they'd already had the sign chiseled out while at the tavern the night before. See?
What's amazing is that, even though they were completely intoxicated, they managed to properly separate the parenthetical statement using dashes. And they connected the two complete thoughts using a semicolon! Incredible. He truly did deserve sainthood.
Anway, service for this denomination started out pleasant and peaceful and conscious. Everyone was happy to see everyone else, children were playing in the aisles, and all were conscious. By the end, though, only half the congregation was present, only half of those present were conscious, and it's quite possible that some on the unconscious half were dead. This denomination lasted for only one service. Well, really half a service. No one remembers what happened after that.
And that's really all I learned. I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did making you less intelligent by presenting it.
I went with my sister to St. Patrick's Cathedral on St. Patrick's Day and it was full of people, all paying tribute to the man once known as Drinky McDrink-Drink. Being Irish, we couldn't have been more proud. We stayed for nearly five whole minutes, then paid our last respects to the stein which held his ashes and moved on out. We came across a lot of inebriated individuals walking home that day. But what do you expect? It was a very special drinking day for New York. It was Thursday.
It was also St. Patrick's Day, but that's really more of a coincidence.
*He did live 400 years after Jesus, but for that to be important, first, I'd have to care.