St. Patrick: Patron Saint Of Slurring
Sorry for the delay in posts. I've been spending the week planning for my sister's visit to New York. She said, "I'll come as long as it's an expensive, crowded, and dirty town. But not drunken. I have no tolerance for drunkenness."Enter March 17th, the date of her arrival and a date known across America as "Dude, we're totally getting shit-faced!" day. When I picked her up at the airport and saw the waves of green t-shirts exit the plane, I realized there were a lot of people coming to New York to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. So, this post is in honor of St. Patrick's Day Weekend.
ESSENTIAL ST. PATRICK'S DAY POST DISCLAIMER
I'm Irish. So, it's okay for me to make fun of the Irish and drunken behavior. Not that the two are in any way related. And, by that, I mean that there is a direct correlation.
Wait. Before you get all in a huff about my inappropriate generalization of the Irish, remember, besides being oblivious to the feelings of others, I'm also Irish. So, again, that makes it alright.
ESSENTIAL ST. PATRICK'S DAY POST DISCLAIMER DRINKING GAME
This is a drinking game created just for this post. Every time you become angry at the way I generalize the Irish, St. Patrick, or St. Patty's Day as purely alcohol-related, take a drink of alcohol. If you're Irish though, take two, because one would only be like water to you. Only less alcohol than water. In fact, take three or four, because we all know you're going to sneak in one or two during the game anyway, am I right? Let's make it fair for the non-Irish.
Now, I went to Catholic school growing up, so I've learned an awful lot about St. Patrick and other people important to Christian history. It would be rather selfish of me not to pass this knowledge along, so let me share with you a tidbit or two about the man...
Did you know St. Patrick was one of the original apostles? It's true.* Unfortunately, he was kicked out of Club Jesus (as it was called in those days) because of his "problem." As most know, Jesus is legendary for turning water into wine. But St. Patrick was legendary in his own right, drinking three gallons of it in under a half-hour. The wine was blessed of course, and it's said that he had a constant blood/blessed alcohol level of 0.2, which, as anyone familiar with the power of Christ knows, is pretty blessed up.
The apostles convened and decided that it would be for the best if St. Patrick, or Drinky McDrink-Drink as they called him behind his back, left Club Jesus for good. However, no one really had the guts to confront St. Patrick about his "problem" -- he was a rather mean drunk. Even Jesus didn't want to get on his bad side. "What? Are you trippin'?" said Jesus. "Shit. Son of God don't play that."
Everyone was scared of Drinky McDrink-Drink. Except for one. Simon Peter. None of the other apostles liked Simon much; they were all in general agreement that he was a dick. But, in situations like this, they used him for just that reason. So, Simon road to St. Patrick's house and, after finding him in a drunken stupor, forced him onto the camel and brought him to Jesus' house, where an intervention was planned.
This is a transcript of that intervention, taken from the Bible (the King James version, obviously)...
JESUS
Listen, Pat. You're a cool guy
and all, but you're just not...
Club Jesus material.
ST. PATRICK
[stumbling]
What? You wanna fight
me, Jesus? I don't care who
your dad is.
SIMON
Sit down and shut your mouth!
JESUS
Thanks, Simon, but I think I can
handle it from here.
SIMON
You just say the word, Christ,
and his ass is grass.
JESUS
I appreciate that.
SIMON
I'm just saying, shouldn't we
be mopping the floor with his
face right now?
JUDAS
Anyone have any pieces of
silver I can borrow?
JESUS
Sorry, Judas. Simon, we don't treat
people like that. You know that.
SIMON
I know, I know. But, man, I just
wanna kick ass so bad! Don't you?
JESUS
Sometimes. But this is about Pat.
Pat?
SIMON
See, he's passed out. And I didn't
even get to kick ass!
MATTHEW
Jesus, that rash came back.
I was wondering if you could...
you know...
JESUS
Fine, whatever, it's healed.
JUDAS
No one has any pieces
of silver?
MATTHEW
Check Drinky McDrink-Drink
on the floor over there. I don't
think he's made it to the bars yet.
JESUS
Matthew! Just for that you
get your rash back.
MATTHEW
[itching]
Oh, Jesus! But it itches so
much! Ahh!
SIMON
Can I kick his ass?
JESUS
...
Listen, Pat. You're a cool guy
and all, but you're just not...
Club Jesus material.
ST. PATRICK
[stumbling]
What? You wanna fight
me, Jesus? I don't care who
your dad is.
SIMON
Sit down and shut your mouth!
JESUS
Thanks, Simon, but I think I can
handle it from here.
SIMON
You just say the word, Christ,
and his ass is grass.
JESUS
I appreciate that.
SIMON
I'm just saying, shouldn't we
be mopping the floor with his
face right now?
JUDAS
Anyone have any pieces of
silver I can borrow?
JESUS
Sorry, Judas. Simon, we don't treat
people like that. You know that.
SIMON
I know, I know. But, man, I just
wanna kick ass so bad! Don't you?
JESUS
Sometimes. But this is about Pat.
Pat?
SIMON
See, he's passed out. And I didn't
even get to kick ass!
MATTHEW
Jesus, that rash came back.
I was wondering if you could...
you know...
JESUS
Fine, whatever, it's healed.
JUDAS
No one has any pieces
of silver?
MATTHEW
Check Drinky McDrink-Drink
on the floor over there. I don't
think he's made it to the bars yet.
JESUS
Matthew! Just for that you
get your rash back.
MATTHEW
[itching]
Oh, Jesus! But it itches so
much! Ahh!
SIMON
Can I kick his ass?
JESUS
...
I know the transcript doesn't really feature much of St. Patrick, but, to be fair, most of his appearances in the Bible consisted of others referring to him in the third person and muttering things like, "The neighbors aren't going to be happy when they find that," or "You think we should flip him over onto his stomach?" or "That table is not going to hold his weight for much more dancing," or "Oh! That's not pretty!" The transcript does show one thing, though. Simon; what a dick, right?
St. Patrick, although splitting with Club Jesus, went on to become a very famous face for Christianity, but also for his short-lived, off-shoot denomination, which he himself started with his buddies, called... well, let's just say that everyone regretted the name the next morning, but they'd already had the sign chiseled out while at the tavern the night before. See?
What's amazing is that, even though they were completely intoxicated, they managed to properly separate the parenthetical statement using dashes. And they connected the two complete thoughts using a semicolon! Incredible. He truly did deserve sainthood.
Anway, service for this denomination started out pleasant and peaceful and conscious. Everyone was happy to see everyone else, children were playing in the aisles, and all were conscious. By the end, though, only half the congregation was present, only half of those present were conscious, and it's quite possible that some on the unconscious half were dead. This denomination lasted for only one service. Well, really half a service. No one remembers what happened after that.
And that's really all I learned. I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did making you less intelligent by presenting it.
I went with my sister to St. Patrick's Cathedral on St. Patrick's Day and it was full of people, all paying tribute to the man once known as Drinky McDrink-Drink. Being Irish, we couldn't have been more proud. We stayed for nearly five whole minutes, then paid our last respects to the stein which held his ashes and moved on out. We came across a lot of inebriated individuals walking home that day. But what do you expect? It was a very special drinking day for New York. It was Thursday.
It was also St. Patrick's Day, but that's really more of a coincidence.
*He did live 400 years after Jesus, but for that to be important, first, I'd have to care.
posted by Andy @ 3:30 PM
30 Comments:
Man, your blog cracks me up! Keep on posting because you entertain me more than the TV.
One thing I wonder, though, is if anything you say is true...or if you even believe a single thing you say? Not that it matters much to me, as long as it keeps me laughing.
You learn something new everyday! I've been christian all my life & I never knew the true story of Drinky McDrink Drink. Thanks for the enlightenment.
Fantastic story! Ah, good on the Irish for adopting him as their patron saint!
You are hilarious. Much funnier than Jon Stewart.
I got kicked out of St. Pat's Cathedral with my grandma. I guess they don't like you taking pictures. I thought that was just the Amish -- but maybe it applies to Irish too.
jenniferjenniferjennifer.blogspot.com
Andy, you are freakin' hilarious.
I went to a small Baptist school as a child and your version of the St. Patrick story matches their's exactly! Its amazing ;)
Keep on bloggin' and I will keep on readin'
That post was more messed up than my bracket.
Its a proven fact that if you are Irish, German, Catholic, or a combo of all three you are going to be a drunk. Which isnt neccessarily a bad thing. I like it. Keep it good.
Hi Andy, WAY TO GO!
After the 'God vs Satan', I just keep visiting your blog. Hope to re-visit you soon!
Reading your blog is like watching 'Saturday Night Live'. That's not a compliment.
I linked you to my blog, I hope you don't mind. I would write more about how much I love your blog after I stumbled across it but I played the irish drinking game and am having trouble typing. keep it up.
Even though Mimi NY hates your blog I think it is a riot. I look forward to each new posting.
Some pretty sharp stuff. You should make a series of the adventures of "st patrick" and the club of Jesus.
I gladly look foreward to your next entry.
Good to see you back! I'm sure that even Jesus would appreciate this entry.
Do you happen to know if if Mel Gibson's re-release of The Passion includes this dialogue?
Ah Andy, a good one but for one small detail... Catholics use a version of the Revised Standard Version (RSV) of the Bible, so you really shoulda quoted from that and not the (ahem) Protestant King James. ;) Hope your sister enjoyed her visit!
Aha, good catch there. Yeah, I actually thought of that earlier today. One side of my family is Catholic and the other side is Lutheran. [Enter Ireland Catholic v. Protestant joke here] That's probably why it happened.
True, the Catholics don't use the King James version, but from a historical point of view, it is thought of as the best translation into modern english.
But, good catch there. You guys are sharp ones.
"Me mother she was orange and me father he was green" kinda thing going on there, Andy me lad?
Just kiddin' ya .. just had to add my ten cents worth (Inflation dontchaknow) and tell you I found your blog quite blatantly subtle in its after effect. ::grin:: I had to "send" people to read your blog .. my attempt was kinda like ralphing some really great brew .. you know it was awesome when you were drinking it .. but coming back up later .. just wasn't quite the same?
I wish for you the best .. because I'm "NOW" going to have to come back for more. I'm a fast reader and should be done with your older posts by next Thursday. So hurry it up, man, and get a leg up!
Thanks for the amusing moment,
Cher
I miss the good old days of spewing green beer over my shoes on St Pat's day.Great post Andy(to be sure)
Don't be surprised if you are smited through your ass for yanking the Lord's crank ;)
Hey Andy, I love your blog. I rarely come across such clear, clever, and hilarious writing. I'd love to offer to you a book deal, if only I worked or had anything to do with a publishing company. Oh well, hopefully someone will!
James
No, no, no person who accused me of hating this blog.. I'm just incapable of comprehending the American Way, which is, essentially, kinder, more-humane humour than I exercise myself. I've put a link to this blog on my own site - http://www.miminewyork.blogspot.com - now isn't that nice of me? Would I do that if I entertained strong, negative emotions? 'Hate' is a very strong word darling. you obviously haven't been practising your scientology.
Keep up the good work Andy and don't be put off by my mean sarcasm... I'm sure you won't!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
As a card carrying FARC, this story rings so true. It only took me fifteen years of formal Catholic training for me to leave Club Jesus myself in 1963. Now I'm just a Former Angry Roman Catholic with an attitude.
-ArrRoger O'Jones
Your stuff is great, but can I make a suggestion? Maybe you could make it more of a serial type thing taking a few days to tell each story. I can tell you put a lot of time & thought into your posts, but it's frustrating to wait three or four days!!
Interesting blog with some great stories. Keep up the good work.
leads to the grand question: what is the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Jr Day?
answ:
on St Patrick's Day everyone wishes they were Irish.
we are all dumber for having read that.... but it was so damn entertaining. seriously, you keep me sane at my insanely boring job...
As an Irish Catholic native New Yorker I have to say this is the funiest things I have read in awhile.
What a great post! I just happened to have stumbled on your blog. I love it!
you are all dunb
Yeah, we cant let just anyone claim to be Irish, ya need to take a DNA test and know what the little thing on top of this letter is called: รณ
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