If You See Something, Say Something
Here in New York, it's difficult not to notice the city's level of caution concerning terrorism and things of that sort. Things like masochism, mannerism, catechism, and other words that end in "ism." I'm just kidding. It has nothing to do with words that end in "ism." Well, except one word. Terrorism. And possibly flatulism. Well, no, I made that up, too.Now, every comedic outlet everywhere has done some (supposedly) clever ribbing regarding the Homeland Security terror alert level color system. So, I'm not going to go there. I'm not going to, for instance, get a copy of the color chart and do some creative editing, use wacky characters for "Severe," meaning that what I have to say is too aggressive to be spelled out with letters, like this...
It's an easy laugh, and I just won't sink to that level.
Anyway, there's a campaign in New York called, "If You See Something, Say Something." Basically, if you see something suspicious, tell an authority figure. But the word "suspicious" has an entirely different meaning for those of us not from around here. So, let me clarify for the non-New Yorkers.
Now, I don't want to make light of an important safety matter. It's important that we're all safe. But not too long ago, there was a suspicious bag found on the block where I live. The whole area was taped off and we weren't able to get into the building for some time. Again, I want to be safe, but when they told us that someone had spotted a suspicious bag, I must say I didn't feel much safer standing behind that yellow tape. Let me explain further, but in dialogue form...
POLICE OFFICER 1
What seems to be the trouble here?
POLICE OFFICER 2
Somebody apparently saw a
suspicious bag on the street.
POLICE OFFICER 1
Well, where is it?
POLICE OFFICER 2
It's right over there.
POLICE OFFICER 1
That one there?
POLICE OFFICER 2
No, no, the one over there.
See, it's right next to that New York city
street filled with nothing but garbage bags
and old junk which would never resemble
or be confused with suspicious bags.
POLICE OFFICER 2
Somebody apparently saw a
suspicious bag on the street.
POLICE OFFICER 1
Well, where is it?
POLICE OFFICER 2
It's right over there.
POLICE OFFICER 1
That one there?
POLICE OFFICER 2
No, no, the one over there.
See, it's right next to that New York city
street filled with nothing but garbage bags
and old junk which would never resemble
or be confused with suspicious bags.
And... scene. See the dilemma?
So, given that, I went to the nearest police officer and asked him if it was strange that there were so many suspicious bags lying on the street, all of them filled with some sort of refuse, and all of them labeled "Hefty." Instead of laughing, he went to his superior, and I can only guess at what was said in that conversation. So I will...
POLICE OFFICER
Chief, isn't it strange that there
are so many suspicious bags lying
on the street, all of them filled with
garbage, all of them labeled "Hefty"?
CHIEF
My god... it's been under our noses this
whole time! So that's what Bin Laden has
been up to! It's all so pungently clear now!
POLICE OFFICER
What do you mean?
CHIEF
Don't you see?! They're bringing all their
garbage over from Al Qaeda-land and
very gradually stinking us to death!
They're using our olfactory nerves against us!
POLICE OFFICER
Chief, do you think they use "Hefty"
bags in Al Qaeda-land?
CHIEF
Kid, these terrorists are a cunning
bunch. They could be using "Glad"
bags for all we know. But they
aren't. No, these terrorists are
definitely "Hefty" bag people.
A MOMENT FOR THOSE WHO NEED IT SPELLED OUTSee, looking for suspicious bags or packages in a city like New York seems difficult, because there is so much random debris lying all over the place. If somebody wanted to, they could easily shove dangerous materials into a pile of garbage on a busy street and no one would know the difference.*
Don't misunderstand me. I don't want to seem as if I dislike New York. I like New York. It's fun. More so if you've got a lot of money to spend. And also no olfactory nerves.
But, anyway, we were all eventually let back into the building and peace was once again restored to the galaxy. The end.
*For those of you who are members of Al Qaeda, this is a lie.
*For those of you who are not members of Al Qaeda, this is not a lie.
posted by Andy @ 8:57 AM
29 Comments:
I just have to laugh at this homeland security thing. As a recent visitor to the USA I was astounded at one of the questions on the US immigration card for visa-waiver countries. I wish I had the correct wording. It goes something like "Do you intend to do anything subversive or illegal while you are visiting the USA?". I felt like ticking yes just for the hell of it. Or maybe saying "undecided at this point" or "depends how drunk I get". I also found the varying levels of security at LAX very amusing. I managed to get through about four levels of security with a boarding pass printed in the wrong name (airline error), but couldn't get through the metal detectors without being frisked and having to take the majority of my clothes off only to find that the underwire on my bra was setting the thing off. Hey my boobs aren't that big! Wow. I could have used the underwiring as a weapon! Just flicked it out, and hey presto - brassiere bravado!
Very interesting, I enjoyed your post and I shall be back. Not only do you provide insight to every day life in New York, but you are also witty as well. I enjoyed the post.
Here in London, Mr. Blair and friends tried to do the whole "wrap the city up in cotton wool in case anything explodes" so they wouldn't feel left out of the big fight against the imaginary terror.
Tony's solution was to have men with guns on the streets. The police generally don't carry guns around here, so the policemen assigned to armed duty were as uncomfortable holding the guns as the general public were to see the guns.
Considering the crowded street, a more effective strategy would have been to route the pedestrians all to a bottleneck and ask them all, one by one:
"Are you a terrorist?"
"Are you sure?"
"If you're lying, we'll find you. Have a nice day."
Also, Central London has no litter bins in the street. Because someone might insert an explosive chocolate bar wrapper.
---X
Hmm, you sound like you have your shit together Mr Intern. Check out the new blog 'Mimi in New York' and share some New York survival skills with me. Please? Before I get eaten by a massive cockroach....
In spite of your non-funny comments about Satan, your footnotes to al-Qaida are funy in a "I hope my joke doesn't turn into a terrorist act" kind of way.
yours is an awesome read. i could go on and on about your writing but i'd be wasting precious finger time on precious school equipment.
suffice to say that your chinatown in ny makes me think of latino fashion district in la... and chinatown sf. i laughed out loud.
what, no windows of skinned roasted animals on hookd with anti camera signs?
I saw something so I'm saying something... thank Christ for a genuinely funny and original blog at long last. I hope your employers know what an asset they have on their books.
Intern: as a former immigrant (hmmm...does US citizenship cancel out the perils of Alien-ness?), I had to laugh and applaud your observations and insights. I'll be frequenting your blog.
Jay -- http://weaselplasty.blogspot.com
I can't resist telling this story...
A friend of mine, who's from India, grew up in Texas but was living in Boston on 9/11. He lived in an apartment building. About a month after 9/11, when the anthrax scare was running rampant, he got home from work, picked up his mail from the communal mail room, and went up to his apartment. He made his wife a great Tex-Mex dinner, complete with homemade guacamole. While cooking, he went through the mail. He noticed a letter that had been mistakenly put in his mailbox that was for another apartment dweller. He later took the unopened letter down to the mail room and set it on a table near all the mailboxes. A few hours later, 10 police cars and 3 fire trucks showed up at the complex and a huge crowd gathered. He went down to find out what was going on, and someone said they found a letter in the mailroom with "anthrax on it." Being a good samaritan, he went up to the nearest officer and asked him if the offending letter had a green substance on it. He was immediately whisked to the commanding officer (remember, by looking at him, you couldn't tell if he was from India or Pakistan or Afghanistan). It took nearly an hour to confirm that he was not a terrorist and that the offensive smudge was, in fact, guacamole. Too funny.
I shall return.
Come on by and visit. I think you'd really enjoy yourself.
I love your point on this issue! It's purely hilarious.
Hello Mr. Andy!
I just have to say that I enjoyed reading your blog. U're witty observations about the security issues assures me that not all Americans are that paranoid. And answering the preacher on the subway was such a laugh!
Here in the Philippines, we have those too that preach their "wisdom" inside buses, and yeah, annoy the shit out of the people. One unique characteristic we have with our preachers is that they have this "Love Offering" money bag that they try to shove in the nose of every passenger. So when one already looks like he's going to talk about "The Glories of Being Saved Against the Torments for Unbelievers" inside a bus, most people just pretend they're sleeping or get off the bus.
We've a Chinatown here too located in Binondo, Manila. Don't worry, I think it's really in their nature, the Chinese really do sell everything.
Haha. U're blog makes me wonder if you've anything to say bout Filipinos and their tendency to haggle for the lowest price always.
Have a great day Mr. Andy!
=>
i will be satying in NY for a few months, and actually, your blog does show this city in a great kinda way... you gave my a laugh when I needed one, so thanks... email me your email belen_bariloche@hotmail.com
and if by any chance you speak spanish : belenbariloche.blogspot.com
great blog. haha... simply entertaining. you have a great sense of homour and good imagination...
Hmmm, I suppose 9/11 was imaginary also X? Maybe next time it will be some outdated palace that gets destroyed or some dirty old building that is near and dear to you and your fellow citizens with awful teeth. Nice way to stay safe X, close your eyes and pretend it never happened always works well. Are you sure your not French? The world has come to expect that senseless line of thinking out of them over the past few hundred years.
Well, to be fair, you do have a better chance of being struck by lightning within your own bathtub than you do of being killed in a terrorist act.
And, yes, it is a bit egotistical for me to be commenting on my own blog.
By the way, Andy, your blog is coolest blog in the universe.
I had a great Spring Break in Myrtle Beach and saw some pretty suspicious things!
Hey man, this is one hell of a funny blog. Just arrive in NYC recently myself! Pikkel weezel, get the f- over it. Did Al-Qaeda blow up your sense humour too? Like Andy, this is frikkin' NEW YORK. Please define suspicious in a city where 2 black kids will hop on to rickety old subway and start break dancing. Or where certain people walk around with more body piercings than brain cells. So you're telling me that the 'furriner' with brown skin is more suspicious than the dude with 57 rings going thru his body? Sorry dude, that's just a taxi driver. Suspicious in New York = somebody who speaks English, and walks slowly.
Its totally crazy...but it's done all over the rest of the world. You're so luck to be picked on the Blogger picks. I was an intern for MTV and Fox TV! How;s my city?
Yes, this whole homeland security thing is a joke. I want to say something about all those stress/personality testing tables everywhere. Those scientologists are up to something, I tells ya.
I'm as Vancouver, BC, Canada girl.
We have no security.
Everybody likes us. We think.
The other day, there was a briefcase on the sidewalk with no owner in sight. I thought, "Hmm, nice briefcase!" I very nearly took it until I realize that hey, maybe there's a bomb in there.
So, I do not have a new briefcase, but there haven't been any explosions, either.
Sigh. I liked the briefcase.
(www.thelastditch.blogspot.com)
Funny...no hilarious is better.
"I want to say something about all those stress/personality testing tables everywhere. Those scientologists are up to something, I tells ya." -- meems
Hehe, you're getting ahead of me.
Hi Intern in NY,
Just really loved reading your blog. Keep it coming....when you have time from your merciful stuff
Great granny in OZ
I do actually try to check out all the blogs people leave links to. If you guys are cool enough to read mine, it's only fair that I check out yours, too.
Re: Police in NY and suspicious events
Just writing in to post a link:
A Do-it-yourself Occultists Report Sheet
Your site is really hilarious. you remind me of my son, Davin.
I think I am going to link to your blog. I need the fun, God knows!!
your blogs are just as funny as your authorities has become!!! just very recently, one of our senators (from the Philippines) has been held and harrassed by your immigration authorities. She happened to be the wife of the deposed president. Without even considering her post as one of my country's dignitaries, what was more fuckin' infuriating of the U.S. authorities' handling on this terrorism is that, the questions asked of her, were not related to security at all; but rather, the questions went something like: "do you think your husband will be acquitted from his plunder cases?" soooo nosy....damn funny!!!! they should stop if they're trying to be funny.... you, though should keep your stuff coming... these are the ones we need!!! cheers to more of your blogs!!!
Aha!!! so you don't want to piss-off the Al-Quaedans...they're probably starting to make a plot on how to get you..shouting.."get the fuckin' funny infidel!!!"...just kidding...:) im just a fan of yours.
when i started my internship at comedy central in new york someone directed me to this blog. the words that come to mind are lame and disapointing. maybe when you graduate they'll give you a job in creative at Mad TV or Mind of Mencia cause those shows are also very funny like your blog...
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