Friday, March 11, 2005

McDonald's Delivers In Manhattan, But Not Very McWell

McDonald's delivers? Yes, it's true. In Manhattan, McDonald's delivers. And for free. I myself did not believe it at first. I must point out that I am not a Mc-fan of McDonald's. In fact, after Mc-seeing the documentary "Super Size Me," I didn't go to a McDonald's for quite some time, mostly because I realized just how unhealthy it was. And I didn't want to get in line for an Mc-angioplasty. Some people really love the Mc-angioplasty. I myself am not a fan.

One night, however, after getting home late, I met up with two friends who both wanted McDonald's. I was hungry and decided that since I'd never experienced McDonald's delivered before, one meal there wouldn't Mc-kill me. Well, wait, I take that back.

Fear not, though, for I am getting McDonald's delivered! So, my chances of dying in a McDonald's-related bomb blast are decreased. But, let's be honest, not by much, if you know what I mean.*

We called McDonald's and placed our orders. One of my friends asked if I would get a Happy Meal, just so she could get one of the famous McDonald's toys. I'll be frank. I don't like McDonald's toys. They're not as good as they used to be. Who's with me on that?**

NOTE: I hear McDonald's is trying a new menu item based on the Happy Meal. They're called "Prozac Meals," and instead of rewarding happiness, which is what I assume the Happy Meal does, it induces happiness. They might have gone with "Clinical Depression Meal," but I could see how that name wouldn't quite carry the ZING! that "Prozac Meal" does. See that? ... ZING!

NOTE of the NOTE: I apologize to anyone who may suffer from clinical depression. Obviously, I'm just trying to be funny. Perhaps, I'm failing misera... I am failing miserably. So, you can find solace in that. Plus, I'm only grateful for you who keep the junk food industry going strong.

NOTE of the NOTE of the NOTE: I apologize to anyone employed by the junk food industry. Listen, clearly, I'm not very good at this. I didn't mean to associate your delicious products with clinical depression. If anything, you temporarily cure clinical depression. So, you can find solace in that. Not much, but enough to keep you sleeping at night.


Eventually, I relented and ordered a Happy meal, just so my friend could have the toy. Three hours later, the delivery man arrived and called us down.*** Obviously, we were a little Mc-angry that he arrived so late. And to show it, we would leave him no Mc-tip.

We went downstairs to get the food and to confront the tardy delivery man. I was already upset with my friends for having to wait so long just for McDonald's. I grabbed the food and removed the McDonald's toy, placing it in my Mc-shirt pocket. My friend, who had her heart set on the McDonald's toy, complained loudly, but I stood firm.

When the delivery man realized that we had left him no tip, he became enraged and an altercation ensued. Naturally, he pulled out a gun.

NEW YORK CITY TOURISM FACT #86
Everyone in New York carries a gun, and they all want to rob people all the time. For those of you who have never been to New York, once you arrive in the city and exit your airplane, you'll find yourself at the Harlem airport, where you're immediately shot, killed, and stabbed. In that order. People here, for some reason, love stabbing bodies which are already riddled with bullets.


But now you're thinking, "Wait, you went to New York, and you're apparently still alive. What gives?"

...

So, the delivery man has a gun. He doesn't think twice about it and shoots me right in the chest. I fall back and land hard on the tile flooring. The screaming of bystanders sends the delivery man out the door in a panic. My friends rush to my side, hoping that I'm not dead. And I 'm not.

It was the McDonald's toy. The McDonald's toy, which I despised so much, saved my life. The bullet struck the toy and ricocheted off into a wall. It also passed through a dog on the way to that wall. So, I guess the McDonald's toy actually killed a dog, too. Though, everyone secretly hated that dog. The dog really had it coming.

Well, we went back upstairs and ate our food in silence, mulling over what would have happened if it wasn't for that McDonald's toy. Then, my friend said, "You would have gotten Mc-shot."

"Yep," I said.

...

The mulling ended there. So concluded my first experience with delivered McDonald's. And I suppose I owe a great debt of gratitude to those little McDonald's toys. They saved my life, and got rid of a pesky dog, which everyone secretly hated. I guess they're okay after all.




* I have no idea what I'm implying by this.
** You are all with me on that.
*** Actually, it was more like 45 minutes, but I'm building drama here.
**** Andy, this asterisk thing is getting fucking ridiculous.
***** Seriously.



89 Comments:

At 10:21 PM, Blogger Perveted minds said...

Atlast i hv found a blog to relate too. Keep up the madness.

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger Stardriana said...

wow. just wow. i was on the floor laughing... oh my goodness. you are hysterical. i really enjoy your blog! may i link you to mine? well i'm going to so if thats a problem then tell me. but keep up the good work!.. it always makes me smile :-)

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger Asia H. said...

This is GENIOUS. As a native New Yorker, somehow it was that much funnier. No wonder you're under the Blogs of Note. I wonder how they find these things though. Do keep up the good work. I will be back.

 
At 10:34 PM, Blogger Samantha said...

Just found your blog tonight -- it was a choice of you or CookingWithAmy and since I do NOT cook, I picked you. I'm glad I did. I've had a miserable day (AND I'm clinically depressed, honest), nothing has gone right, everything I've touched has either fallen apart, melted, bitten, hissed or kicked at me. But just knowing there is ONE person out there who is also miserable but still able to find a touch of humor made me feel so much better!

I'll keep in touch ... If you don't mind.

 
At 1:39 AM, Blogger Michael1211 said...

Andy,
Great post. I loved the detail! One quick question. Would you recommend New York to anyone. My step daughter is a singer. She was the lead singer on Royal Caribbean cruise lines. What would you recommend. I would love to hear from an independent voice.
Thanks

 
At 3:05 AM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Hey, Michael. I would recommend NY to everyone. I'm probably not the authority on it, as I'm not a native, but everyone should see it at least once. However, going on a vacation here isn't enough, because that just gets you the outer shell, the glitz and glammer. You see Broadway, you see Lady Liberty; "Oh boy, New York is awesome!" But to see the things I see, you've got to stick around for a little while.

If her preferred career is singing, then you can't go wrong with New York. I mean, it's the media capital of the world. Artists of every kind get their start here, mostly because there are so many avenues to explore.

I'm from the midwest (Wisconsin, actually), and though I live in a decent-sized city, it's nothing like NYC. The crowdedness, the... well, smelliness, and the disgruntledness are all an acquired taste. An acquired taste I just assume not acquire.

It's a strange yet exciting city, and it's like no other place you'll probably see. And, as far as artists go (singers, etc.), there are few places on the planet where you have so much possibilty to utilize.

...

Okay, that wasn't a prepared speech, I swear, but it almost sounded like it, didn't it? Sorry, I ramble. :)

 
At 3:05 AM, Blogger contessa said...

haha 'bood' times, how apt.

 
At 3:31 AM, Blogger Edna B said...

Reasonably McFunny Andy. Corny ending though. I have recently done a clean out of my daughter's bedroom and the Happy meal toys (there are not too many - I'm not a fan of grease for dinner) are in the McTrash.

 
At 4:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, I love NY. Not a native here either -- just another transplant, but I get a huge kick out of the idiosyncracies of this place... and the way you describe them. Thumbs up!

By the way, your GoogleSlutting experiment may not have worked precisely as you wanted it to, but when I checked in today, I saw ads for the following:

- Chinese Paper Lanterns
- Criminal Justice Degree
- Anti-Terrorism Training
- GTI Tactical Training

(for those, like me, who had no idea what the last one is, the ad text said "Law enforcement training facility swat/firearms/narc). Maybe it was the tourism fact...

-- a fan

 
At 5:03 AM, Blogger morgenstern said...

i've never been to new york and was actually looking forward to, but i don't wanna get mc shot, maybe a mc shot of something : )

 
At 5:46 AM, Blogger TRUTHMISSILE said...

Anymore Dino Ironbody packages coming down the pike - that was excellent!

 
At 9:50 AM, Blogger A Poor White Man said...

Outstanding!

 
At 9:52 AM, Blogger 123-I-Love-You said...

jolly good show lad, jolly good. I laughed until I had to poo.

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger Cassaundra said...

Hmmm...this kinda puts the whole "small town"thing into perspective. My city's a little smaller than Seattle, but if I came to NY, I think that I (along with half the people replying to this post) would wander around like slack jawed, wide eyed, country bumpkins. My bro went for spring break couple years ago and brought a camera with him...and what really sealed the deal on how "small town" I feel, I found myself repeating this phrase every so often while viewing that tape, "wow, it really does look like that!" and, "people really do dress/act/look like that!." or my personal favorite "wow, it's just like in the movies!". So, you see where I'm going on this? If you want a taste of a drama queen who lives in a small town that's trying to be big, and get a chuckle out of it, the be my guest! Other than that, you can count on me getting my dose of "real big city" through your blog...thanks!

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger twitterpated said...

I don't know how anyone could eat at McDonald's since that documentary. But the fries are sooooo yummy. I saw online that McD's is going to let you telephone orders in around the country soon, so when you get off your butt and actually drive there -- your food will be hot and fresh. Like it takes that long to order. The food is already made.

Anyway, I love your blog. You are a funny dude. It's probably good that you intern at a funny place like Comedy Central.

 
At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Sade said...

Fucking nutter!!!

Although probably the only reason I can relate to your blog is from also being a non-native NYer in NY (all the way from that small town, London- a NY-LON, as it were)

Went back home for a couple weeks last month, and I have to say I found it disconcerting not having to dodge bullets everytime I stepped out of the house.

Am back in NY- thank goodness. And my bulletproof vest manufacturer can sleep easy now (though not if he lives in my neighbourhood)

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger cookie said...

that actually happened? no joke?

they sure do make tough toys. maybe they could use it as militaty weapons. ha...

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger hajder said...

NO I think the gun shot was a joke ;)

Anyway...I really enjoy your blog Andy keep up the good work!

One day I'll hopefully see NYC from my own perspective. Puh it's far from Europe...............

 
At 5:06 PM, Blogger MBee said...

have you ever been to the "classy" McDonald's in the city? I think it's on Wall Street somewhere. When you walk in there's a guy playing a grand piano..because you know.. you need some Bach and Beethoven with your mcgrease burger and fries! :)

 
At 5:42 PM, Blogger Agent Curly said...

u can't b too overly obsessed with your health if you chose to live in NY.

 
At 11:52 PM, Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Hey this is great. Nice writing, good sense of sarcasm and reminds me of many visits to the Big Apple. I'm bookmarking this one!

I've got a similar blog (rantings and ravings).

Ya know, if you eat as much McWhatever, even if the bullet had hit ya it would have riccocheted...A

 
At 1:23 AM, Blogger charmedcandy said...

i just found your blog. it's hilarious! i've been to new york only once, but only at the airport during a stopover. and nah, i wasn't shot. harhar.

hmm..i agree with you on the thing about the happy meal toys. they used to be so cool, now they're just so-so.

 
At 1:39 AM, Blogger Samantha said...

"matteo said...

i've never been to new york and was actually looking forward to, but i don't wanna get mc shot, maybe a mc shot of something : )"

ROFLMAO !! The comments are as good as the blog! You've got some competition, Andy.

 
At 3:39 AM, Blogger MissBliss said...

Bravo for your very funny mc-drama.You are unlike any Dr. I know--- is that a good or bad thing?

 
At 4:43 AM, Blogger kismet said...

Heya!!
In NY does McDonalds really deliver? Lol, it's just that i work at McDonalds in australia, but we dont deliver. I dont think any stores in the whole country does!
Anyway hurrah for the toys =P. It was a good read!!

 
At 5:11 AM, Blogger Dirk Fung said...

Haro,

How's it going? Great blog! I couldn't help but notice that you are fans of the abstract. I'd like to invite you to check out my blog: www.iamdirkfung.blogspot.com for a laugh.

If you like the bizarre and abstract, come by and say wassap. I have enough noodles for everybody.
Peace out,

The One and Only Dirk Fung.

 
At 6:11 AM, Blogger Lex Then said...

Hilarious and witty. What more could we ask for?

Everyone's keeping an eye on ya Andy. Well, 28,315 (current numbers when I posted) pairs of eyes that is.

I guess there's nuthing much I could add praises. Blog on NYintern.

Cheers,
-Lex-
Malaysia

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger Rian said...

Wow. The McDonalds in Manhattan sounds like the McDonalds in the Philippines. We get delivery for free, but the order has to be around 150 pesos up. Of course it gets to us around 2 hours at most (with food missing). No guns though. Nice blog!

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger Agent Curly said...

i wonder if you're not a Mcintern

 
At 11:27 AM, Anonymous Nisa said...

*laugh laugh* well the McDonald's delivery here in S'pore, the delivery guy don't really expect tips. coz they usually take like some of our money. say, the price is $17.30, and we give 'em $20, they'll demand you give another 30 cents (so they can keep 'em, but they don't tell you that).

excuse: "sorry ma'am, i don't have much coins.".

pathetic right? so now, i give them the exact change. and that's when they start rolling their eyeballs. weehooo!

ps: the shooting part is a joke right?
pps: and yeah, your blog's nice. =)

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Sandra said...

LOL. you are really funny..thanks for the laugh =)

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger K. W. Musante said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger K. W. Musante said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger K. W. Musante said...

So good to read about the adventures of another Wisconsin Blogger in NYC. Keep up the writing.

Ken vs. the City

 
At 12:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post has been removed by the author.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger 123-I-Love-You said...

Thank you, kind sir, for your post on my blog the other day. Glad you enjoyed it, and I appreciated your comment.

Feel free to visit again anytime.

God knows there will be more tales of woe.

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger slick said...

Classic. I am still laughing here. Glad I found the blog. Take care.

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger afrobritchoc said...

Bloody Brill! I've even learnt more internet jargon from reading the comments..ROFLMAO hehehe..
crikey gotta say mc-LOL, mc-LOL!

 
At 7:14 PM, Blogger Vamp269 said...

As a fellow New Yorker, sorry to hear about your encounter with the delivery man, but I've got a question -- was he cute? As the boycrazynyc blog, I'm always looking!

 
At 8:52 PM, Blogger r0orie said...

LOL, McFunny ;)

 
At 9:11 PM, Blogger kutekitten1354 said...

Love the blog! I've been to NYC, but only for vacation. Coincidentally, I did stop in a Mickey D's for some dinner in TImes Square! Glad I didn't decide to get it delivered! LoL! Amazing place, New York, I definitely will go back.

 
At 9:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, so just clarify this for me...the shooting part never really happened???

Luv ur blog!! It's funny!

 
At 9:54 PM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Well, I don't really want to ruin it for everyone, but... no, I didn't actually get shot at.

The truth is, I shot at the delivery man first, and then he fell backwards onto the dog. That's really how the dog died.

But we really did hate that dog and we cheered loudly when it died. That part is true.

 
At 12:01 AM, Blogger Shadow of Myself said...

Best blog I've ever read. Keep it up!!
Lightens the stress :-)

 
At 12:48 AM, Blogger CuShMaN said...

Only One Question for you.

What Was the Toy?

PLEASE-O-Please let it be Mr. Incredible.

Ghost Notes

 
At 7:42 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Ahhh, Andy! A breath of fresh air some might say, Andy! I am so grateful for your account of life in NYC, it makes me want to move my bum there one day. (Bum as in a**, not bum as in someone who doesn't work and asks for money from you on the street.) You are encouraging me to write again, even if no one ends up reading it! Keep up the excellent work, I'll be back!

 
At 10:25 AM, Blogger Rohit said...

That was so Mc-funny that I let out a Mc-fart; should stop eating onions.

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger Zach M. said...

Your blog stinks! If you want to see a real blog check out mine @ www.zeppelinlove.blogspot.com

 
At 11:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HUH? You shot first? I don't think so dude - as every true geek knows, in the original version HAN SHOOTS FIRST!

 
At 2:13 PM, Blogger Miss Wits said...

McClassic. I love it. I am officially addicted to your blog!
Visit mine, if you have a minute!
Keep postin'! Miss Wits.

http://misswits.blogspot.com/

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Spring said...

McRad

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger Jerkie said...

Brilliant idea. Love your blog!

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger lovelygreensweater said...

Rock On!

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger TheDailySketch said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 9:15 PM, Blogger Jamie said...

I lived in Costa Rica for a couple years and Mcdicks delivers there aswell.

Costa Rica doesn't have the luxury of a street adress system though so sometimes your orders took hours to get to you.

 
At 1:12 AM, Blogger fengzi said...

Here in Singapore, McDonald's do deliver.. And ever since the super size me show, McDonald's have been publishing the no. of calories each of their food products contain. It's on the web too. Check it out.
And they started selling apples for a dollar each or sth like that

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger staticfurrball said...

ROTFL, lol, I just had a Big Mac last night and by eating only half the food I saved myself from going to the gym with only half the calories in me. Well, I haven't really been to McDonald's in a while since they stopped Super Sizing their meals. Even McDonald's has suffered downsizing in this economic pinch we're all experiencing.

 
At 2:21 PM, Blogger Spiritdancer said...

Just wanted to let u know you aren'r the only one..."Supersize me" gave me the same effect too,haven't been to MCDonalds for a long time..everytime i look at an add ,a blimp floats trough my head....."Kidney failure,liver cancer,cholesterol..kidney failure,..."..haven't touched a neon door for over 6 months now....damnit.

 
At 5:02 PM, Blogger Dirk Fung said...

Hohohohohohohoho hahahahahaha!

Dirk Fung.

 
At 9:28 AM, Blogger Adrian said...

mc donald's sucks

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger Adrian said...

i just mcvomited

 
At 4:09 AM, Blogger Mikagami said...

Hey, great blog! Just FYI, I got to know about your blog because it was featured in a newspaper in Singapore. Will view this blog often! ^^

 
At 10:54 PM, Blogger Lawrence Kwok said...

I saw it on the newspapers here in Singapore

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger Lady_Hawke said...

You are "pee your pants" kinda funny.(LMAO)

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger The bad Liz said...

Geee, I thought that here in Detroit was the only place where people liked to shoot, stab and murder people!!

I might have to go to the city and order a Happy Meal.

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger EmZi said...

yeah...you rock. New York interns are definetely an overworked underclass.

 
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