God Versus Satan, Coming Soon To A Subway Train Near You
I got on the N train this morning, like it was any other morning. Suddenly, a woman on the far end of the car began belting out some speech about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit and how it's not too late to accept Him (God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit) and His (God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit's) love. Well, a number of the passengers were becoming increasingly annoyed by the woman, not so much for the message, but because her voice carried so well. Too well..."It's not too late, children! Turn back to Jesus! I know things in your life haven't been great. Your job is not fulfilling. The person you thought was your soulmate is no longer providing the love and support you need. That brand of cereal you really loved is now off the market. Life is beating you down like a jack hammer. Come to God! God will be your soulmate. God will provide you with the sustenance which that cereal never could! Jesus will make your life fulfilling, because Jesus is everlasting. God is all powerful. The Holy Spirit will lift you up and fill your heart with so much love and joy that you'll wish you'd accepted Him (God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit) sooner. You'll sing to the highest heavens to proclaim your unwaivering devotion to God! Come now, children. It's never too late!"
And it went on. I, too, became annoyed by it. So, in the mood for a little competitive preaching, I began touting the joys of worshipping Satan.
"Yes, children, it certainly isn't too late. To turn to Satan that is! I know there have been a lot of negative things said about me. That I "torment" souls. Or that I "torture" humanity. Or that I "chain" souls to "posts" in Hell and make these souls live out eternity as weird, human-like beast creatures, eating from skull-shaped doggie bowls. They're not even real skulls! And honestly, aren't these words like "torture" and "torment" just buzz words that Good likes to use to give Bad a bad name?
Yes, your life isn't going as planned. Whose does? So, you didn't get that promotion? Well I got kicked out of Heaven! Your girlfriend left you? Well I got kicked out of Heaven. Life not amounting to much? Well I got kicked out of Heaven! You know how hard that is to do? It's, like, super hard! God will forgive you for anything! Your favorite cereal is now off the market? Cereal?? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BATHE IN A SEA OF REALLY POINTY DAGGERS???
Sure, turn to Christ. If you want your time wasted. Think about it! He's the Christ... I'm the Anti-Christ. Didn't you learn about matter and anti-matter in high school? It doesn't, heh-heh... "matter" ... what side you're on, because we'll just cancel each other out in the end anyway. So, why in the my home would you want to live out your life worrying about sin, when you live it out your life smiting your enemies and sexing up your enemies' many wives? The choice is pretty obvious, friends."
Well, needless to say, that shut her up. And it was all thanks to the power of the Dark Lord.
posted by Andy @ 10:47 AM
30 Comments:
As a Jew that works for a Christian radio statio, I feel your pain. This posting made me laugh out loud. Thanks!!!!!
I'm not sure I believe you.
Those crazies won't stop.
I've done it, too, but I like to fill in the gaps. I add words when they pause.
Been a while.
"The wages of sin"
"are a 7 billion dollar noncompete reconstruction contract"
I did that one at a march in Washington to a blowhard with a bullhorn. The kids around him loved it.
You don't know me, and I'm sure you don't care too, but I'm a Christian.
I'm sure you have gotten an ill opinion of the Christian you met, but I hope you don't assume that we are all like the lady who spouted the truth in a way that would make her seem to be a maniac. Most people don't realize that the truth does not have to be shouted in an annoying or offensive way. It can actually be shared on an intellectually stimulating way. Just some food for thought.
bye and God bless.
The wages of sin are still death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Funny how Satan, who apparently thinks so highly of himself, can't get back in. Satan may be anti-Christ, but that doesn't mean he's able to overcome Him.
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I always feared that I'd be sitting in that magical front seat on the express train to hell by myself.
Apparently I'll have company.
wow
some people have absolutely no sense of humor...
great post!
Hilarious. This is the stuff you're going to miss when you leave the greatest city in the world, btw.
Hi Andy,
I am from Singapore.Really hope that what you had said is just a joke.Christ is really the life.And hope that in your heart you believe that too.You can see my posts at www.yishunmethodist.org.I am a lady for Chirst.K, take care and God bless.
Been reading James Joyce's Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man on the subway - for the past 30 pages or so it has been one long description of hell, delivered by a preacher to teenage boys, seen through the eyes of one of the boys, who happens to be sleeping with prostitutes in his spare time. That's good comedy. I've been resisting the temptation to start reading out loud - really loud, but I doubt people would see the humour as I do.
Anyway, loved this post, and am ever-amazed by the number of kookie Christians out there, such as those who responded to this.
Been reading James Joyce's Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man on the subway - for the past 30 pages or so it has been one long description of hell, delivered by a preacher to teenage boys, seen through the eyes of one of the boys, who happens to be sleeping with prostitutes in his spare time. That's good comedy. I've been resisting the temptation to start reading out loud - really loud, but I doubt people would see the humour as I do.
Anyway, loved this post, and am ever-amazed by the number of kookie Christians out there, such as those who responded to this.
I had to see that... I don't like when people como to "sell" their beliefs on me, I mean .. believe whatever you want, I'll do the same.
Man you are awesome!
I like it.
The closest I've come is when a LOP (Little Old Person) stood beside me and said: "Isn't it nice to know on this beautiful day that the Lord Jesus Christ is your saviour?"
To which I replied: "Who?"
It was a great conversation. She went away awfully concerned...
You hit the nail on the head. Some of the mythological stories provide real good entertainment when you look at them in a non-religious perspective. Love your sense of humour.
Wow! I'm jealous! Your first experience with subway preaching came so late in life? If you are really in the mood for a painful subway ride, try the A or D express when someone is preaching during the long stretch from 59th to 125th Streets (or vice versa). They have a captive audience, and they know it. Religion can be a wonderful thing, but really, annoying people is not the way to convince them to adopt your beliefs. Oh, and by the way, I'm selling these M&M peanuts to raise money to buy uniforms for my high school basketball team. Sorry I only have M&M Peanuts. No, I don't have anything else.
Wow! I'm jealous! Your first experience with subway preaching came so late in life? If you are really in the mood for a painful subway ride, try the A or D express when someone is preaching during the long stretch from 59th to 125th Streets (or vice versa). They have a captive audience, and they know it. Religion can be a wonderful thing, but really, annoying people is not the way to convince them to adopt your beliefs. Oh, and by the way, I'm selling these M&M peanuts to raise money to buy uniforms for my high school basketball team. Sorry I only have M&M Peanuts. No, I don't have anything else.
That was GREAT!
I, too, am a Christian and I found that oh so very funny. Christians, if you can not appreciate the post for what it really was you need to lighten up. God has a sense of humor too you know!
I especially love the matter/anti-matter reference, and the "I got thrown out of Heaven" retort to anything someone might complain about. Really gives you a new perspective on your own life, no?
I'm a Christian - no don't stop reading... and having lived in New York at one point in my life I COMPLETELY AGREE with you!
There is nothing worse at the end of along day than being yelled at or having someone trying to sell you on something, even if it is something positive.
Don't these people understand that they are turning more people away than they are actually reaching!!!
That's frickin' hilarious. I've done it myself several times but didn't know there was a movement afoot. As a non-christian I don't believe in satan (those that do are, in fact, satanists) or feel the need for a bogeyman, but it's still a funny story.
Ah yes the blogs roll in,very creative ,your blog , try using the other holy cows also : diets, car brands,academia, you got it in you !
Havw you stopped to consider you might actually have been making the woman's point -- only from the opposite side of the coin?
Did anyone come up to YOU, by the way, seeking to join your side?
From a fellow humor blogger, who's also a believer....
This is genius.
I always say, "I know Jesus loves me, but I just want to be friends." I'm putting it on a t-shirt.
that's possibly the funniest thing i've ever read!!!
i laughed so hard i cried. wow. :)
I've been reading your blog an I have to say, after i read this one I was acosted by one of these so called preachers and followed your example. He was pissed, but all of a sudden, i saw everyone on the "L" smile at once. You rock man, keep it up.
Just a note to Conor Keaney. "Kawaii Onna" is Japanese for "Cute Young Woman". Not that you could've known that she was female without looking at her profile but I thought your comment was amusing, she was probably up watching anime or something. ^.^
As for the God Versus Satan post I loved it, as I've loved most of your posts Andy. I was surprised to see that you've only been posting for a couple months and already have so large a following, but you're pretty amusing so I guess it isn't too big of a shocker. Keep up the good work, I'll be looking forward to more posts from you.
~Lysander Daringer
Dude! You are absolutely hilarious! Its a pity that others dont seem to have a sense of humour! Im not even going into a religious debate, but Im pretty sure God is familiar with the words 'intent' and 'context'!
My sides hurt fro laughing and my new goal in life is to eb just like you!
You are an inspiration!
Mental note to self: proof read before posting anything! LOL
Andy,
Good joke. Let it not be said christians(LIKE I KNOW YOU ARE)do not have a sense of humor. But do not confuse the controversy between God and satan as a reason for anyone to make an allegiance. All that matters is God and His Judgements. Satan is just a joker (maybe a little just like you)
haha, vary funny, i am a christian....
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