Friday, February 18, 2005

God Versus Satan, Coming Soon To A Subway Train Near You

I got on the N train this morning, like it was any other morning. Suddenly, a woman on the far end of the car began belting out some speech about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit and how it's not too late to accept Him (God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit) and His (God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit's) love. Well, a number of the passengers were becoming increasingly annoyed by the woman, not so much for the message, but because her voice carried so well. Too well...


"It's not too late, children! Turn back to Jesus! I know things in your life haven't been great. Your job is not fulfilling. The person you thought was your soulmate is no longer providing the love and support you need. That brand of cereal you really loved is now off the market. Life is beating you down like a jack hammer. Come to God! God will be your soulmate. God will provide you with the sustenance which that cereal never could! Jesus will make your life fulfilling, because Jesus is everlasting. God is all powerful. The Holy Spirit will lift you up and fill your heart with so much love and joy that you'll wish you'd accepted Him (God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit) sooner. You'll sing to the highest heavens to proclaim your unwaivering devotion to God! Come now, children. It's never too late!"


And it went on. I, too, became annoyed by it. So, in the mood for a little competitive preaching, I began touting the joys of worshipping Satan.


"Yes, children, it certainly isn't too late. To turn to Satan that is! I know there have been a lot of negative things said about me. That I "torment" souls. Or that I "torture" humanity. Or that I "chain" souls to "posts" in Hell and make these souls live out eternity as weird, human-like beast creatures, eating from skull-shaped doggie bowls. They're not even real skulls! And honestly, aren't these words like "torture" and "torment" just buzz words that Good likes to use to give Bad a bad name?

Yes, your life isn't going as planned. Whose does? So, you didn't get that promotion? Well I got kicked out of Heaven! Your girlfriend left you? Well I got kicked out of Heaven. Life not amounting to much? Well I got kicked out of Heaven! You know how hard that is to do? It's, like, super hard! God will forgive you for anything! Your favorite cereal is now off the market? Cereal?? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BATHE IN A SEA OF REALLY POINTY DAGGERS???

Sure, turn to Christ. If you want your time wasted. Think about it! He's the Christ... I'm the Anti-Christ. Didn't you learn about matter and anti-matter in high school? It doesn't, heh-heh... "matter" ... what side you're on, because we'll just cancel each other out in the end anyway. So, why in the my home would you want to live out your life worrying about sin, when you live it out your life smiting your enemies and sexing up your enemies' many wives? The choice is pretty obvious, friends."



Well, needless to say, that shut her up. And it was all thanks to the power of the Dark Lord.

55 Comments:

At 2:51 PM, Blogger Tiger Lilly said...

I love you!!

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger Cinderella said...

As a Jew that works for a Christian radio statio, I feel your pain. This posting made me laugh out loud. Thanks!!!!!

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger josh narins said...

I'm not sure I believe you.

Those crazies won't stop.

I've done it, too, but I like to fill in the gaps. I add words when they pause.

Been a while.

"The wages of sin"
"are a 7 billion dollar noncompete reconstruction contract"

I did that one at a march in Washington to a blowhard with a bullhorn. The kids around him loved it.

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger little al said...

You don't know me, and I'm sure you don't care too, but I'm a Christian.

I'm sure you have gotten an ill opinion of the Christian you met, but I hope you don't assume that we are all like the lady who spouted the truth in a way that would make her seem to be a maniac. Most people don't realize that the truth does not have to be shouted in an annoying or offensive way. It can actually be shared on an intellectually stimulating way. Just some food for thought.

bye and God bless.

 
At 5:11 PM, Blogger centuri0n said...

The wages of sin are still death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Funny how Satan, who apparently thinks so highly of himself, can't get back in. Satan may be anti-Christ, but that doesn't mean he's able to overcome Him.

 
At 5:25 PM, Blogger Mike Church said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 7:44 PM, Blogger Parker Gerkin said...

I always feared that I'd be sitting in that magical front seat on the express train to hell by myself.

Apparently I'll have company.

 
At 10:07 PM, Blogger staticfurrball said...

Hi Andy, I read about your internship and the trickle down theory of jokes.. lol I would've posted to that one, but there wasn't any place for posting comments. So here it is under the guise of God vs. Satan subway spoof. It sounds like you're having more fun at your job than most people do at theirs. Way to go Andy, you're ahead of the corporate game....

 
At 10:27 PM, Blogger Big Chief said...

Ummm,

What a story! I agree with your friend Little Al. I am also a Christian and often wish I had the courage to shout out something that and not worry about what people think. Hopefully I wouldn't do it till it annoys people. But I wish I could reach out to the people that do hurt. I hope that someday you consider what she says on a more serious note and consider God for your life.

 
At 10:41 PM, Blogger L said...

wow

some people have absolutely no sense of humor...

great post!

 
At 11:44 PM, Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

Hilarious. This is the stuff you're going to miss when you leave the greatest city in the world, btw.

 
At 11:58 PM, Blogger Michael_Gaisen said...

Andy...

I read several blogs a day and stumbled upon yours. I must say...I was literally laughing out loud. It's great to see someone able to take a situation which would be totally uncomfortable and add a bit of humor. I'm sure there were several people on the subway who laughed repeatedly througout the day when retelling the story of you. Way to go!

 
At 12:01 AM, Blogger marie said...

And to think, all this time you've been my brother, and I thought you were baptized. Burn in hell dearest brother. BURN!!

*To those who thought his post was serious- he's doing a writing internship at comedy central, you know, the place with the jokes, ha ha, oh never mind

 
At 4:45 AM, Blogger Geok Mui said...

Hi Andy,
I am from Singapore.Really hope that what you had said is just a joke.Christ is really the life.And hope that in your heart you believe that too.You can see my posts at www.yishunmethodist.org.I am a lady for Chirst.K, take care and God bless.

 
At 1:46 PM, Blogger benjibopper said...

Been reading James Joyce's Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man on the subway - for the past 30 pages or so it has been one long description of hell, delivered by a preacher to teenage boys, seen through the eyes of one of the boys, who happens to be sleeping with prostitutes in his spare time. That's good comedy. I've been resisting the temptation to start reading out loud - really loud, but I doubt people would see the humour as I do.

Anyway, loved this post, and am ever-amazed by the number of kookie Christians out there, such as those who responded to this.

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger benjibopper said...

Been reading James Joyce's Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man on the subway - for the past 30 pages or so it has been one long description of hell, delivered by a preacher to teenage boys, seen through the eyes of one of the boys, who happens to be sleeping with prostitutes in his spare time. That's good comedy. I've been resisting the temptation to start reading out loud - really loud, but I doubt people would see the humour as I do.

Anyway, loved this post, and am ever-amazed by the number of kookie Christians out there, such as those who responded to this.

 
At 7:59 PM, Blogger iliana... said...

I had to see that... I don't like when people como to "sell" their beliefs on me, I mean .. believe whatever you want, I'll do the same.

 
At 11:38 PM, Blogger Prasanna said...

Man you are awesome!

 
At 11:46 PM, Blogger Thursday said...

I like it.

The closest I've come is when a LOP (Little Old Person) stood beside me and said: "Isn't it nice to know on this beautiful day that the Lord Jesus Christ is your saviour?"

To which I replied: "Who?"

It was a great conversation. She went away awfully concerned...

 
At 1:36 AM, Blogger N. Madhavi said...

You hit the nail on the head. Some of the mythological stories provide real good entertainment when you look at them in a non-religious perspective. Love your sense of humour.

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger Lia said...

Wow! I'm jealous! Your first experience with subway preaching came so late in life? If you are really in the mood for a painful subway ride, try the A or D express when someone is preaching during the long stretch from 59th to 125th Streets (or vice versa). They have a captive audience, and they know it. Religion can be a wonderful thing, but really, annoying people is not the way to convince them to adopt your beliefs. Oh, and by the way, I'm selling these M&M peanuts to raise money to buy uniforms for my high school basketball team. Sorry I only have M&M Peanuts. No, I don't have anything else.

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger Lia said...

Wow! I'm jealous! Your first experience with subway preaching came so late in life? If you are really in the mood for a painful subway ride, try the A or D express when someone is preaching during the long stretch from 59th to 125th Streets (or vice versa). They have a captive audience, and they know it. Religion can be a wonderful thing, but really, annoying people is not the way to convince them to adopt your beliefs. Oh, and by the way, I'm selling these M&M peanuts to raise money to buy uniforms for my high school basketball team. Sorry I only have M&M Peanuts. No, I don't have anything else.

 
At 3:13 PM, Blogger trekker9er said...

That was GREAT!

I, too, am a Christian and I found that oh so very funny. Christians, if you can not appreciate the post for what it really was you need to lighten up. God has a sense of humor too you know!

I especially love the matter/anti-matter reference, and the "I got thrown out of Heaven" retort to anything someone might complain about. Really gives you a new perspective on your own life, no?

 
At 5:00 PM, Blogger PhD student said...

I'm a Christian - no don't stop reading... and having lived in New York at one point in my life I COMPLETELY AGREE with you!

There is nothing worse at the end of along day than being yelled at or having someone trying to sell you on something, even if it is something positive.

Don't these people understand that they are turning more people away than they are actually reaching!!!

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger - Jimmyjay said...

That's frickin' hilarious. I've done it myself several times but didn't know there was a movement afoot. As a non-christian I don't believe in satan (those that do are, in fact, satanists) or feel the need for a bogeyman, but it's still a funny story.

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger Danielle said...

You rock man! Finally there is someone who has the balls to chut those Christians up!

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger Christina said...

Jesus is beautiful. Unfortunately, "Christians" in this sorry country have completely ruined their reputations and Christianity's reputation with their picket lines and signs and pride and condemnation. Jesus taught, "Love God with all your heart soul mind strength, and love your neighbor as yourself." I don't know about this woman, but I do know that all of our hearts scream to us that there is something more to life than what this country and this world has to offer. A good job? Popularity? Prestige? Comfort? Come on, there must be something so much better.

 
At 12:44 AM, Blogger mosaicmama said...

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

 
At 3:26 AM, Blogger jellie-dawn said...

Yeah, i know most of the comments were on your side, being funy and all... Yeah, i too, for once found the humor... But how could you question the judgement of how our lives would turn out by God's will.. Sure, the woman obviously preached with the wrong words at the wrong time, wrong place and the wrong people... But, damn , don't even try to compare Satan to God... Satan is the epitome meaning of unholiness and that's what you are... You clearly know where you are heading after you die... Prepare for it...

 
At 5:22 PM, Blogger horsesshouldbesoluckytoo said...

Ah yes the blogs roll in,very creative ,your blog , try using the other holy cows also : diets, car brands,academia, you got it in you !

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger lilly said...

i love it!!!! you humor is refreshing in an up tight world. thank you.

 
At 1:35 AM, Blogger Richard said...

Havw you stopped to consider you might actually have been making the woman's point -- only from the opposite side of the coin?

Did anyone come up to YOU, by the way, seeking to join your side?

From a fellow humor blogger, who's also a believer....

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger meems said...

This is genius.

I always say, "I know Jesus loves me, but I just want to be friends." I'm putting it on a t-shirt.

 
At 9:34 PM, Blogger Jae said...

I bow down. that was halairious.

i usually get really pissed off with jahovah's witness's (what did they witness anyway a priest and a 8year old woohoo)
well anyway...
whenever they ask me do you believe in god (or whateva the fuck they say) i reply "hi im pagan" with a mocking smile on my face its so funny they just stare blankly at me (stupid people not even being taught about pagans anymore - thats sad!

Jae xx

http://jaeslittleblackbook.blogspot.com

 
At 10:16 PM, Blogger angie said...

Hey..

I'm a Catholic AND I have a sense of humour( yes, it's possible ). I just don't use it all the time.

You're funny, but be careful. As if you'd care about what this weird Aussie girl has to say.......

BUT!

You know, some people actually believe in the stuff you're joking about. It's for laughs, I get it. But some people ( like me ) really believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and are affected by reading stuff like the stuff you wrote.. and you should respect that as much as you respect your sense of humour. Words are powerful stuff, you know.

Oh... but it's not like im casting judgement or anything.. ;p

Whatever, I don't even know you. And it's not like you care about my opinion or anything. Anyway, nice blog, it's hot stuff. =)

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger Bossman said...

Know what would really be a kick...if there is a hell and you were sent there ... only to find "her" there ..... with a bullhorn.But you are a funny S.O.B.

 
At 10:05 PM, Blogger Ngakaari said...

ROFLMAO!
But I disagree with Satan thinking it's right to sleep with your enemies wives that's just sick and dirty.

 
At 3:33 AM, Blogger cookie said...

that's possibly the funniest thing i've ever read!!!
i laughed so hard i cried. wow. :)

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger bitterman said...

I'm proud to admit that I'm a Christian and I loved this blog. Great Stuff! I've actually read many of your blogs and find them quite entertaining. Thanks, and check out my blogs if you want a laugh.

 
At 4:56 PM, Blogger lovelygreensweater said...

I've been reading your blog an I have to say, after i read this one I was acosted by one of these so called preachers and followed your example. He was pissed, but all of a sudden, i saw everyone on the "L" smile at once. You rock man, keep it up.

 
At 4:53 PM, Blogger Forest said...

To kawaii onna, funniest thing you've ever read, and you being a man who surfs the net at 3.33 AM. Amazing.
(You were looking at porn weren't you, weren't you, you filthy empty being.)
Sweet blog. As an excommunicated christian (due to my Vatican fiasco) that entry made me chuckle.
For the best blog ever go to
http://thelastangrymanblog.blogspot.com

 
At 1:33 AM, Blogger Lysander Daringer said...

Just a note to Conor Keaney. "Kawaii Onna" is Japanese for "Cute Young Woman". Not that you could've known that she was female without looking at her profile but I thought your comment was amusing, she was probably up watching anime or something. ^.^

As for the God Versus Satan post I loved it, as I've loved most of your posts Andy. I was surprised to see that you've only been posting for a couple months and already have so large a following, but you're pretty amusing so I guess it isn't too big of a shocker. Keep up the good work, I'll be looking forward to more posts from you.

~Lysander Daringer

 
At 10:05 AM, Blogger Beantown Blogger said...

Andy you are hilarious...I just feel bad for you that you have so many uptight religious readers. I can't believe anyone would be offended...but I'm not religious so I might not get it. Going to rant now....How can anyone be religious? Just use common sence and look at evolution. I personally think that religious people are blinding themselves from the truth, or are just not smart. If I was religious, however, I'd side with satan. I think being a minion of the Dark Lord would be cool ;-)

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger AdrianT said...

Dude! You are absolutely hilarious! Its a pity that others dont seem to have a sense of humour! Im not even going into a religious debate, but Im pretty sure God is familiar with the words 'intent' and 'context'!

My sides hurt fro laughing and my new goal in life is to eb just like you!

You are an inspiration!

 
At 3:59 PM, Blogger AdrianT said...

Mental note to self: proof read before posting anything! LOL

 
At 5:58 PM, Blogger JOSHUA said...

Andy,
Good joke. Let it not be said christians(LIKE I KNOW YOU ARE)do not have a sense of humor. But do not confuse the controversy between God and satan as a reason for anyone to make an allegiance. All that matters is God and His Judgements. Satan is just a joker (maybe a little just like you)

 
At 5:32 PM, Anonymous nomad aanchal said...

haha, vary funny, i am a christian....

 
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