Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Don't Go Shvitzin' About This Blog Entry

The Upper East side, where I am currently living, has a large Jewish population (as does New York in general). Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's actually quite interesting to get a glimpse of that culture.

Enter: Pizza Cave, a small pizza parlor on Lexington Avenue with brick oven pies that are incredibly cheap and incredibly delicious.

Being that it's located in a largely Jewish neighborhood -- which, for the record, is perfectly fine in every way -- Pizza Cave has to cater to a certain crowd. So, the menus also include Hebrew, there is Hebrew lettering on the signs, and I wouldn't be surprised if the pepperoni and sausage were actually ham-free.


Some people have noticed the similarity between the names Pizza Cave and Pizza Hut. Quite frankly, it's ridiculous to assume that Pizza Cave is in anyway trying to capitalize on the Pizza Hut name. Everyone knows that huts and caves are two very different types of dwellings. If Pizza Cave wanted to capitalize on the Pizza Hut name, they instead would have used any one of the following...
  • Pizza Hovel
  • Pizza Hutch
  • Pizza Hoochie
And there are plenty more where those came from. Little known fact: Pizza Hoochie is also a type of forbidden dance, whereby the female prances in a circle around the male, throwing dough, tomato sauce, and shredded cheese at him. The male can request other items to be thrown, but that of course will cost him extra.
-----END OF TANGENT-----

So, I took a trip to Pizza Cave, ordered myself a couple of slices, and sat down to watch the TV playing in the background. The program looked to be some kind of soap opera. But what was the language they were speaking? Was it Arabic? Turkish? No, it was Hebrew. It was a Hebrew soap opera -- which is absolutely acceptable in my mind.

The language can often be rather beautiful to hear, but then, it's interrupted by a weird, throaty sound. Phonetically, it looks something like "HCKKKK," but you have to pronounce it like you're hocking a loogey.

The soap opera I was watching was a perfectly normal program, with what I can assume was a perfectly normal plot, but that sound really distracted me. Imagine an American soap opera, but with that sound...


John, I know you've just had that brain
tumor removed, and you're in no condition
to support our telepathic son, but I'm
leaving you for Anthony.

Anthony? Our 21 year old gardener,
who moonlights as a private detective
and also has the figure of an amateur
body builder?

Yes. I'm sorry.

Well, I'm sorry, too, Mary. What will we tell
our son, Cameron, when HCKKKK he's older?

What do you mean? We're HCKKKK going to
tell him HCKKKK the truth.

The truth? You mean that HCKKKK his
mother abandoned him like he was some
sort of HCKKKK garbage to be thrown
to the curb HCKKKK?!

Well, what do you want from me? Ever
since HCKKKK you discovered your twin
brother, the two of you HCKKKK have
been almost inseparable! You're never
HCKKKK around, John!

I had no idea it bothered you so much.

Well, it does.


Don't talk like that!

I'm sorry. I realize now that I haven't
been there HCKKKK enough for you and
Cameron. I hate myself for that.

It hurts us not to see you.

Well, you are blind. Remember?
The accident in HCKKKK Dr. Armstrong's
laboratory? The experime--

Of course, I remember! I meant
it hurts HCKKKK for us not being around you!

Oh, right. HCKKKK!

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing. Just... something
stuck in my throat... HCKKKK!



At 1:56 PM, Blogger tHatgIrL said...

wow youre a retard.

At 10:43 PM, Blogger sammy said...

i watched that one yesterday, i totally loved it.

At 3:01 AM, Blogger hlpngkdsgrow said...

Dude! You are too funny! I'll be picturing people making that sound for days and cracking up in the middle of conversations, and it will be hard to explain it, because you just have to read it here to experience it.

At 4:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, you are a fucking moron. "Not that there is anything wrong with that." You should have said that a few more times in your article.

At 1:07 PM, Anonymous Sam said...

As a Jew and a New Yorker, I am frankly offended by your post.
Pizza Cave is neither cheap, nor delicious. You just don't have shit for pizza on the Upper East Side.

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