Wednesday, April 06, 2005

10 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Interns

10 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Interns
(using no particular order or logic)

Interns Are Edible
The good news is we're made of candy. The bad news is that candy is black licorice. I know there are probably some people who like eating black licorice (statistically, someone has to), or, as it's known in France, "le black licorice." The name changes from region to region. In third world countries and other places where food is scarce, it's known as "Seriously, we don't have anything else?"

Interns Can Unite To Form Voltron

This rarely happens, but when the city is under attack, it's nice to have five interns clad (respectively) in suits of green, blue, orangish-yellow, red, and black to form the mighty Voltron: Defender of the Universe. Of course, the member wearing blue will later be injured and then replaced by the pink suited intern.*

"Help us, Voltron! The city is under attack!... also, this coffee has way too much creamer... work on that. Thanks a bunch, Voltron."

As I said, it doesn't happen often, but when it does, look out! If I could add the theme music, you better believe I would...

(click on me... one-way ticket to goodness)

Interns Have Feelings Too
Even though we're made of black licorice, our blood runs red** just like everyone else's. So, if you get the chance today, hug an intern. But not for too long. We have feelings, but for a select few interns, also rabies.

So, if you get the chance today, shoot a rabid intern. Mouth frothing. That's the key. And aim high. Bullets to the chest just anger rabid interns.

Interns Are Not God, For Crying Out Loud!

We try to save everyone we can, but sometimes they're just too far-gone to be brought back. You think we like watching people die?? We're doing the best we can, dammit! We're not God!***

Interns Aren't Robots

It's true. Though our movements are very robotic, and though we don't have the capacity to feel love, we are human. Technically. Don't confuse our constant need to do "the robot" with the true biology of our species.

Interns Are Capable Of Photosynthesis



Interns Did Not Steal Your New Found Glory CD

Though your New Found Glory CD has been missing for the last week and a half, interns did not do it. Don't look at us; we don't even listen to that kind of music. Honestly, whoever stole it did you a favor. What? Stop rifling through our drawers!**** Dude, we don't have it!

Interns Once Drank A Whole Case Of Michelob And Puked All Over His Bed

There was, like, this crazy party at Jon-Jon's house in the 'burbs! And, like, someone totally snuck in, like, a whole case of Michelob! And Interns just sat in the corner and drank the whole thing himself! I thought he was going to fuckin' bleed out his eyes or some shit! Anyway, I heard from this one dude that Interns totally went home that night and puked all over his bed and then just, like, totally fell asleep in it. That guy's hardcore, man.

Interns Are Not Vin Diesel

Though it seems like a logical conclusion, interns are not Hollywood action star Vin Diesel. You may know Vin Diesel from films like XXX (pronounced "Triple X"), The Chronicles Of Riddick (oddly enough, also pronounced "Triple X"), and the smash hit, critically acclaimed, Oscar buzz-worthy sensation The Pacifier.

We're not him.

Interns Are Incorrigible

Interns have a tendency to get themselves into hilarious jams week after week. The conflict begins unexpectedly and usually resolves itself about a half hour later (unless it's a two parter). Strangely enough, it occurs the same day and time every week. Of course, every episode ends the exact same way...

(click on me... I'm good for you)

* If you know what this means, then you are truly sad... as am I. Let's embrace.
** Licorice. Yeah, I know, that was a bad joke. But I'm certain you all would have gone crazy waiting for that inevitable punch line.
*** Dammit!
**** "Drawers" is not spelled D-R-O-O-R-S. Sure, it sounds like "doors," but this is the English language, we don't need your "logic." I mean, we have doe and dough, and we have toe and tough. Our language is on the pot. Or rather, "potgh." The "gh" is silent.


At 2:38 AM, Blogger Hieu said...

Now I sooo look forward to my summer internship... I wanna be the pink suited intern! *forwarding list to boss.

At 3:14 AM, Blogger X said...

I get the pink intern reference Andy. We're not embracing, though.


At 4:04 AM, Blogger Ocean said...

I also get the pink intern reference. I'll embrace you. But next time don't forget the mice.

At 9:45 AM, Blogger sherpa said...

I have but one question, but it comes in 2 parts: Which intern carries the sword? Where do they hide it? (On second thought, maybe I don't want to know where they hide it.)

At 10:37 AM, Blogger Ripsy said...

It's good to know that interns are not Hollywood action star Vin Diesel. I was fearing how the transition process from girl to Hollywood action star Vin Diesel would occur. Now I only have to worry about becoming licorice! Yay.

At 10:42 AM, Anonymous dopamine said...

Please help us making Internet better (or at least, don't make it worst)... WATCH YOUR HTML CODE!!!! OR JUST MANAGE YOUR POST ARCHIVING SETTINGS!!!! !^_^!

Now, seriously: Your blog title results me interesting, but when i saw that HUGE amount of text, i abandoned the idea.

At 10:45 AM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

I have never been an intern.

I will probably never be an intern.

I hope that your interning comes with a nice package of health benefits that includes coverage on therapy. Because you need it. (in a nice way.)

But it probably doesn't.

Hence why you blog.

But that's probably a good thing.

At 10:59 AM, Blogger Taylor W. Buley said...

You slay me.

At 11:38 AM, Blogger snaars said...

At least interns get to be part of the cool voltron that's made of mechanical lions instead of the really lame voltron that's made up of cars and trucks or whatever.

Interns rock!

At 11:44 AM, Blogger jazz said...

i didn't get the pink intern reference. i'm both glad and feel left out at the same time. any special reason why drawers is spelled droors?

random fact: vin diesel played the voice of a robot in the little known but lovely movie, "the iron giant." i don't know how that's relevant, but it seemed to be worth mentioning. all this talk of vin, interns, robots...

At 11:47 AM, Blogger Sugar said...

Hey! I need a pencil & make with the coffee STAT!

At 1:27 PM, Blogger Cate said...

Once upon a time I wanted desperately to be the pink-suited intern. Cuz she was getting it on with the red-suit intern, you know.

At 2:00 PM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Droors? Son of a... Stupid skateboard company... ruining my skills.

At 2:45 PM, Blogger Don Urban Gnome said...

I always loved the episode of "That's Our Intern" when the Globetrotters came to town and helped the intern find out that Steve the Middle Manager was the one who was trying to scare customers away from the old amusement park.

Idiot Ramblings

At 3:16 PM, Blogger air charter said...

great blog ! im new to this stuff but i can get why its so popular when reading you posts ! keep it up

At 3:25 PM, Blogger suzanne said...

Wasn't it the black one that later became pink? Or am I remembering incorrectly?

At 4:43 PM, Blogger - Jimmyjay said...

If it's red, then it's not a licorice whip, it's a cherry whip. I've told my interns a hundred times that licorice is the name of the flavoring, not the name of the candy itself. My last intern responded by putting licorice extract in my coffee. He makes a nice lampshade. BTW, I'm attracted to the tall, laughing female worker. Can you hook me up?

At 4:47 PM, Blogger theOriginal lockmat said...

Funny stuff. Who do you intern for?

At 5:17 PM, Blogger Jason said...

Just remember, slaughter is just laughter with an "s". Makes slaughter not seem like such a bad thing, if you pronounce it right.

At 7:12 PM, Blogger MoodieBaloo said...

Your Voltron graphic nearly made me pee my pants. I hate to admit it, and I probably shouldn't...but I have no other way describe the amount of giggling and almost dribbling that ensued. Thanks alot. :)

At 7:29 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

As always, so funny my coworkers thought I had turned crazy (I once was an intern now with interns so the identity crisis has me teetering near the edge on non-blog-reading days) -- also, discovered new depth of shame in my friend, Cate (see comment above) - you hussy! A crush on a Voltron character!

At 12:32 AM, Blogger Lia said...

I was reading a post on a different blog (don't you all wish you knew which one?) just before I read this one. In that post, the blogger addressed several questions to God, and I was highly tempted to answer them. Just to sign "God" at the end. But I didn't.

Now I know why. I'm an intern, and interns are not God. Thanks for clarifying. You saved me a visit to a shrink.

Random Ramblings
Poetic Things

At 1:24 AM, Blogger cadiz12 said...

you sure you're not really 27-year-old andy from wisconsin, who was an intern in new york years ago but couldn't get enough and decided to become a lifer?

the tone is uncanny.

admit it; you love being an intern down to your licorice-y core.

At 1:55 AM, Blogger Andy said...

OMG... I get the pink joke. That's too disturbing. However, we won't embrace, as I don;t know where you've been, and I'm not willing to take my chances with rabid candies who aren't God.

At 4:39 AM, Blogger Brandon said...

I had an intern once...reminds me of you...

At 10:42 AM, Anonymous becca said...

hurrah!! this blog eats up sooo much of my time being a temp - i love it! particularly the graphicy bits. i don't get the pink suit thing but it's probably because i'm english, and yes our language has too many gh's where there should just be a ow, or an uff - baffles the shit out of me!!

At 10:51 AM, Anonymous 'ka said...

it's sooo funny...

At 11:51 AM, Blogger Amy said...

You make me want to be an intern instead of a lowly student working on one degree so I'll be qualified to get another degree. :)

At 5:11 PM, Anonymous Pip said...


At 6:42 PM, Blogger lovelygreensweater said...

Your so funny you made me almost want to eat black licorice...Almost.

At 8:59 PM, Blogger Carrie said...

Dude you puked off a case of beer???? You haven't quite mastered the ways of the intern warrior yet have you? You've much to learn, young one.

P.S. I come here when I'm feeling down and need a laugh, and you deliver every time- thanks Mr. New York Intern.

At 9:11 AM, Blogger Rupert Myers said...

Great Post

Highly amusing. Thanks Andy.. don't start writing in CAPS as some person commented.. keep the english language the way it is.

Check out my blog at for an up to date look at Politics, News, current events, and cultural phenomenon from the point of view of a Cambridge University student in England Thanks!

At 11:07 AM, Blogger Nina said...

How I wish I was an intern again. sucks dude.

At 1:24 PM, Blogger Dan said...

I actually really like black licorice.

I've never actually met an intern before, either. So I will take all of these facts as truths.

At 4:00 PM, Blogger Pugsrgods said...

It is good to know that we are protected by our interns...Thanks for the knowledge. ;o)
This was great, it really made me laugh. I look forward to reading more.

At 6:42 PM, Blogger Edna B said...

I love black licorice. It makes your poo go black. If you eat a lot of it, you get runny black poo. I don't know if there are any analogies to interns there. Perhaps you could let me know

At 8:26 PM, Blogger jenn see said...

mmmm. tasty interns.

not only do i like licorice, but also anisette andlicorice-flavored jellybeans.

i'm a weird one, i am.

At 10:44 PM, Blogger 123-I-Love-You said...

Hmmmm. Now I don't feel so bad about biting that intern last week.

If you see him, please tell him that he can have his leg back.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not powerful enough to have an intern, let alone bite one.

At 11:37 PM, Anonymous life lite said...

Voltron analogy is perfect. Well said! Some people really think. Congratulations! You're a real person!

At 2:41 AM, Blogger a cat of impossible colour said...

I want an intern! But will I have to walk him/her? Are there tax benefits? Will they bring me spiritual fulfilment?

So many things to consider.

Oh, and I embrace you virtually for the Voltron reference.

At 4:35 AM, Blogger John Bryson said...

I wonder if your boss feeds you out of a bowl. Does he give you treats if you sit? I used to be an intern...never again.
Things I wish I had

At 9:18 AM, Blogger julia said...

I think you've cured me...
Thanks for the laughter!!!

At 1:42 AM, Anonymous Java said...

Haa.. very very funny! I enjoy your article -this one especially!

At 4:27 AM, Anonymous dawniebaby said...

In my region, interns are made of coke. Coke besides eatting into enamel, it also *but slowly* eats into the brain cells. *Tada* Bet you din know that huh. Which often explains why some - and i stress SOME interns are no brainers. *Tada*

No. I never drink anything made by MNCs. Never.

At 11:24 PM, Blogger The Girl said...

As a fellow intern, I concur.
Fantastic assessment! Hilarious too!

At 8:03 AM, Blogger Prashanth said...

Nice posting. I had thought that the situation is very bad for us interns in INDIA. But, now I realize it is the same everywhere.

At 12:19 AM, Blogger Vanessa said...

One has to expect that being an intern means that you are at the bottom of the food chain. I like your idea of having Voltron to the rescue, though...

At 12:54 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

Thank God the interns are forming Voltron and NOT turning into Power Rangers.

I love you man!

At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Brian, but you may call me sir. said...

People like you make me sick for a number of reasons. Firstly, you make it seem like you are God's gift to college students by "ACTUALLY scoring an internship!" in one breath and then complain about being abused in another. Newsflash: those who get abused have self-esteem issues. This is a not an entirely impossible problem to solve--show some charisma, or as I like to say, GET SOME BALLS.

The people in your department will be more impressed if you show your strengths (although from reading this blog I doubt if you have ANY) than if you play the role of the LOWLY INTERN. You're just another pathetic minion who will never make it in this world because of your conformist views on life. And no, just because you are a liberal doesn't make you a non-conformist.

For all of you who sympathize this slacker: you're in an even worse position--reading this blog (probably religiously) afraid to start your own because you're not "kewl" or smart enough. There's always xanga, I guess. I despise you.

That being said, get a life :)

At 6:52 PM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Need a hug?

At 8:36 PM, Blogger BSC said...

Brian but you can call me sir. managed to fit in balls, charisma, minion and kewl into that. Clearly he thinks like all of us interns.

At 8:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

humour. raw humour! :)

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At 3:37 PM, Anonymous altyrian.intern said...

This is good stuff. Hope you'll continue your blogging post-internship.

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I just started my internship with a golf marketing company called Legendary Marketing. So far it seems like it’s a complete waste of time and I'm just HOPING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD that I don't end up just dropping out of this.

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At 2:10 AM, Blogger mackenzie said...

This is hilarious! How do I follow you?! I'm sorry, I'm new to Blogger. I'm an intern as well and just started my own blog focusing on being an intern. Hopefully you can find yourself reading it as it progresses?


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