10 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Interns
Interns Are Edible
The good news is we're made of candy. The bad news is that candy is black licorice. I know there are probably some people who like eating black licorice (statistically, someone has to), or, as it's known in France, "le black licorice." The name changes from region to region. In third world countries and other places where food is scarce, it's known as "Seriously, we don't have anything else?"
Interns Can Unite To Form Voltron
This rarely happens, but when the city is under attack, it's nice to have five interns clad (respectively) in suits of green, blue, orangish-yellow, red, and black to form the mighty Voltron: Defender of the Universe. Of course, the member wearing blue will later be injured and then replaced by the pink suited intern.*
"Help us, Voltron! The city is under attack!... also, this coffee has way too much creamer... work on that. Thanks a bunch, Voltron."
As I said, it doesn't happen often, but when it does, look out! If I could add the theme music, you better believe I would...
(click on me... one-way ticket to goodness)
Interns Have Feelings Too
Even though we're made of black licorice, our blood runs red** just like everyone else's. So, if you get the chance today, hug an intern. But not for too long. We have feelings, but for a select few interns, also rabies.
So, if you get the chance today, shoot a rabid intern. Mouth frothing. That's the key. And aim high. Bullets to the chest just anger rabid interns.
Interns Are Not God, For Crying Out Loud!
We try to save everyone we can, but sometimes they're just too far-gone to be brought back. You think we like watching people die?? We're doing the best we can, dammit! We're not God!***
Interns Aren't Robots
It's true. Though our movements are very robotic, and though we don't have the capacity to feel love, we are human. Technically. Don't confuse our constant need to do "the robot" with the true biology of our species.
Interns Are Capable Of Photosynthesis
Interns Did Not Steal Your New Found Glory CD
Though your New Found Glory CD has been missing for the last week and a half, interns did not do it. Don't look at us; we don't even listen to that kind of music. Honestly, whoever stole it did you a favor. What? Stop rifling through our drawers!**** Dude, we don't have it!
Interns Once Drank A Whole Case Of Michelob And Puked All Over His Bed
There was, like, this crazy party at Jon-Jon's house in the 'burbs! And, like, someone totally snuck in, like, a whole case of Michelob! And Interns just sat in the corner and drank the whole thing himself! I thought he was going to fuckin' bleed out his eyes or some shit! Anyway, I heard from this one dude that Interns totally went home that night and puked all over his bed and then just, like, totally fell asleep in it. That guy's hardcore, man.
Interns Are Not Vin Diesel
Though it seems like a logical conclusion, interns are not Hollywood action star Vin Diesel. You may know Vin Diesel from films like XXX (pronounced "Triple X"), The Chronicles Of Riddick (oddly enough, also pronounced "Triple X"), and the smash hit, critically acclaimed, Oscar buzz-worthy sensation The Pacifier.
We're not him.
Interns Are Incorrigible
Interns have a tendency to get themselves into hilarious jams week after week. The conflict begins unexpectedly and usually resolves itself about a half hour later (unless it's a two parter). Strangely enough, it occurs the same day and time every week. Of course, every episode ends the exact same way...
(click on me... I'm good for you)
* If you know what this means, then you are truly sad... as am I. Let's embrace.
** Licorice. Yeah, I know, that was a bad joke. But I'm certain you all would have gone crazy waiting for that inevitable punch line.
**** "Drawers" is not spelled D-R-O-O-R-S. Sure, it sounds like "doors," but this is the English language, we don't need your "logic." I mean, we have doe and dough, and we have toe and tough. Our language is on the pot. Or rather, "potgh." The "gh" is silent.