Saturday, April 02, 2005

Interns: A History (part three)

Previously on Interns: A History
"The Middle Ages... Columbus... American Revolution...."

And now, the stunning conclusion...

PART III: The 20th Century And Beyond!

Fast-forward to the twentieth century and onward, the golden age of interning. We have the luxury of looking back on the past, remembering the interns from eras long forgotten who suffered through terrible interning assignments. We complain nowadays about making coffee or copies. Interns of ancient Rome would have killed to make coffee or copies.


See, just then you thought I was using another metaphor. No, they quite literally killed to make their masters coffee or copies. Copy machines and coffee making supplies were set up in the middle of the Coliseum and then hundreds of interns were let loose into the arena. Now, there were only enough supplies for maybe ten interns to complete the task. Can you imagine? The rage? The fury? The built up teenaged angst that these young interns released during these incredibly bloody and gruesome matches? Spectators were seen and heard vomiting in the aisles on account of the sheer barbarism they were witnessing. They say the blood of interns flowed through the streets for days.*

You get the idea. We modern interns are blessed. There are no more Coliseum battles and a significantly less amount of intern blood sports. But the current position of the intern can be accredited to a single speech given in the United States in 1933.

President Franklin Roosevelt addresses a crowd of thousands in front of the White House. In a historical speech, he makes bold predictions about the future.

"There'll be an intern in every home," says the President. "There'll be an intern for every man, woman, and child. We'll pay them nothing except whatever college credit their university will allow!" The crowd cheers rapturously.

He adds, "And the interns will all be robots, and they'll attend universities specifically created for robots!" The crowd cheers rapturously.

"And, make no mistake about it, these robots will fly just like the flying cars which, as my top scientific advisors have told me, will be available to the public no later than the year 1975!" The crowd cheers rapturously.

"And after we've conquered and colonized Mars by no later than 1955, interns will become servants to those brave few willing to start anew on that hellish red rock." The President adds, "At least until the teleportation devices are perfected in the early 60's." The crowd cheers rapturously.


Okay, not everything President Roosevelt predicted came true, but he did set the stage for robot universities. Granted, those still don't yet exist, but, to be fair, the man is dead.

Still, I'd like to think that someday there will be intern robot universities all over the world. I can only guess what those universities for intern robots will look like. So I will. Using Photosho... using advance technology... okay, fine, it's Photoshop, alright? Are you happy? Does it make you happy to know that I'm humiliated? Should I get on this table and dance for you? Is that what you want? I'll be like your little own intern robot.

Anywho, here is an artist's rendition of the future. Don't look for too long. They say that seeing one's own future can cause a person to go insane with thoughts of inadequacy. So, though this glimpse into the future will shock and awe you with its stunning advancements in technology, remember, our place is here and now. Behold...

I know it's depressing. You're just a regular intern. Human. Flightless. I'm sure there have been many instances during your internship where you've thought, "Damn, if only I could fly. Like the robots. Like the flying intern robots of the future." And that's when your supervisor walks in on you. You, dressed in a cape and makeshift robot costume. How awkward for you.

That brings us to the present. The fetching, the copying, the college credit. We are a composite of all the interns who came before us. It's like evolution, only nothing at all like evolution. Now, there are going to be people who think that, over the course of this series of posts, I've carelessly skipped over a lot of important history in a matter of a few paragraphs.


I sure did... I sure did.**

Review Of Contributions To The Intern World

Fetching skills


Embalmed kitties
Feet and arms which are only two dimensional


The taste for human blood
Copying and coffee-making skills


Taste for human heart
Collating skills
Heart-eating skills


People skills
Putting on a happy face
Running from angry natives


Quill sharpening skills
Flying intern robots
Robot universities

Things which I would have liked to include in Interns: A History, but didn't...

  • Jokes
  • Logic
  • Some sense of dignity
  • Intelligence
  • An ultimate purpose

* Later to be mopped up by interns.
** I sure did.


At 8:32 PM, Blogger roBen said...

I am about to take BS Nursing this June in one popular college here in Iloilo, Philippines. Your blog however, troubled my senses with respect to doctors who, were interns offcourse. Still I expect some more. Thanks for the information.

At 8:43 PM, Blogger I'm smarter than you said...

I blame interns for the movie Closer sucking so much.

At 9:21 PM, Blogger Theo Blank said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 10:11 PM, Blogger Theo Blank said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 10:27 PM, Blogger Theo Blank said...

Mental note: Ask nurses for their names from now on before treatment. If he or she responds, "Roben," throw down smoke pellet, run for life.

Anyone who uses that post as a legitimate interning reference should not be drawing blood.

Intern - funny stuff man. I think you and your readers might like The Sweatshop

At 11:20 PM, Blogger Dennis said...

Just happened by. I started a new blog today. New York - New York. My wife and sister recently returned from visiting and really enjoyed their trips. Thought I would give people a chance to post memories. Plus share some great pictures from the library archives.

At 12:44 AM, Blogger Callina said...

I have to chase kids who throw stuff at me... and get strangled by said kids while I'm dressed up and dancing around pretending I'm the Minotaur... and I have to make copies!

The worst of the past, and of now!

How do you apply to Robot University?

At 12:51 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

Robot University:
Pro Scola et Pro Causingyounggraduatestodespisetheirveryexistenceforeverandeveramen-a.

At 5:50 AM, Blogger Adrian said...


Robot University, ZA

At 9:59 AM, Blogger Kim said...

Should you get on the table and dance for us? Yes, yes you should.

Isn't that one of your intern duties anyway?

At 12:59 PM, Blogger Lia said...

College credit? You can get college credit for interning? Why did no one tell me? Maybe I can even graduate one day!

The only thing better than extra credits is a six figure salary. Just think - wouldn't it be nice to get six figures for making photocopies and sending FedEx packages? My only question is why one needs a high GPA in a difficult major to qualify for copying and collating duties. Isn't a GED sufficient?

At 5:21 PM, Blogger Sarah J said...

Hmmm...thats so weird. But interestingly funny.

At 7:03 PM, Blogger Andy said...

Argh! I stared into the future for too long... and it started staring back at me...

But Robot university would defeat the purpose of going there in the first place. ie to drink and get drunk. Unless Futurama has deceived me, robots don't get drunk on booze.

At 7:41 PM, Blogger Donal said...

Such a harrowing tale of adversity and triumph. I shall never look on the coffee gopher the same again.

Well, I will, until 10 years from now when he is making twice as much as me.

At 11:56 AM, Blogger Carrie said...

That was once again, bloody brilliant. Being an intern sure beats attending lame classes for college credits. Thank god I'll never have to intern for my degree.

Now fetch me some freakin' coffee.

At 3:17 PM, Blogger Sarah Eliza said...

And the best part about Robot University? No parking problems, as all the students will be flying. We in the present can only look on and drool.

At 4:26 PM, Blogger - Jimmyjay said...

Funny you mention FDR. During FDR's 'New Intern Deal', interns were added to the cement when Hoover Dam was built. That whole debacle. Supposedly, this was to help stimulate the economy. This in turn led to the US involvement in the Korean-Intern war. The era of the Vietnam-Intern protest was also crucial - though it had nothing to do with the war. It was fun to watch all those interns burn those staplers. In retrospect, I now appreciate the 70's. The so-called 'I'm an intern' decade - though it was somewhat spoiled by the 'intern look' which infiltrated the fashion world in the 80's (just look at those yearbooks!). But interns really had it swell in the 90's with the Clinton intern-economic bubble - free flights for interns, no intern specific STD's, yep, those were the days.

At 1:22 AM, Blogger Julie said...

I almost laughed when I found your blog. I'm an intern in boston and have decided to try to document my experience. good to know there's company. :)

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