The Bootleggers In Grand Central Are Actually Time TravelersThere's no doubt that I've done quite a bit to spread the word on the variety of characters to be found in New York's Grand Central Station. I'm not saying it's a freak show, but there's really no other way for me to finish this sentence. Except by writing "there's really no other way for me to finish this sentence." Which is in a sense finishing the sentence, thereby ruining the joke and my credibility.
Anyway, you can't help but notice it. A blanket, spread out on the floor of Grand Central, carrying DVD's and CD's which everyone in New York refers to as "bootlegs." But I'll let you in on a little secret. The "bootleggers" are not bootleggers at all. They're time travelers. Their merchandise? It's not cheaply copied five dollar DVD versions of films which have not yet officially been released to DVD but were recorded in a theater using a video camera. Heh-heh, that's one wild imagination you have there.
No. These people are time travelers — TIME ADVENTURERS, if you will — and their mission is a noble one. They've traveled back in time with official DVD releases from the future to bring us New Yorkers big, big savings!
But a few questions still remain. Why, if they are official and from the future, do these DVD's feature such substandard packaging and poor video quality? I think the best guess is that the loss in quality is a result of the time traveling process itself. The flux capacitor probably uses so much energy when it rips open the space/time continuum that your copy of Hitch, starring actor, rapper, breather of air Will Smith, has slightly deteriorated by the time it has exited the wormhole.
I approached the time travelers/bootleggers a few days ago and asked if they would take some photos of their time machine the next time they went back to the future for more DVD's. They agreed. I turned around to leave and — surprise, surprise — there was the same person I was talking to just a second ago and now he had photos of the time machine in his hand.
Confused? See, the way time traveling works...
...and that's how time travel works.
But I took a look at these photos. And, sure enough, I immediately spotted the problem. It seems that these time travelers were so busy worrying about time travel and bringing us unbelievable savings that they forgot to properly store the DVD's while traveling through the wormhole. Here's one of the pictures. It really explains the whole thing...
See how they're just carelessly stacked around the flux capacitor? Just as I suspected. That can't be good for quality.
I went immediately to the time travelers/bootleggers in Grand Central to explain my findings. They couldn't believe they had been so stupid. "All this time traveling and bringing of big-time savings has caused us to forget the little things," said one. "Well, from now on, we'll store the DVD's away from the flux capacitor. Thanks, citizen."
"We should get a bin of some kind," said the leader. "Nothing too fancy. But something that looks nice. Are there any stores around here?" he asked.
"There's a Duane Reade about five feet from here," I said. "And if you're feeling adventurous, there's a larger one about six feet from that one." Suddenly, a look of shock and horror came over the man's face. "What's wrong?" I asked.
WHAT IS DUANE READE? A MOMENT TO EXPLAIN...
Duane Reade is a popular store in New York. It's similar to Walgreens. There are a lot of them, and I'm sure they will be sprouting up in a town near you very soo — oh, too late. There it is. Looks pretty nice, right? Actually it doesn't matter what you think. Look, there's another behind you. And in the time you took to turn around, the first one was demolished and built again.
"Please, citizen of this time, do not use that name in our midst," he said.
"I don't understand," I said, not understanding.
"In our time, Duane Reade is the oppressive Supreme Overlord of Earth. That's why we come here to bring you savings on DVD's, CD's, and sometimes batteries," he said. "We're slowly trying to whittle away the Supreme Overlord's power in this time, so that his reign of terror will end in our time."
So, there you have it. The bootleggers in Grand Central are actually time travelers. They come from the future to bring us savings, but also to topple Duane Reade, who apparently becomes Earth's Overlord in the future in what I can only assume is a tyrannical dictatorship of pharmaceutical, Walgreen-esque stores. And now that I've solved the problem with the DVD's and the flux capacitor, the "bootlegs" in Grand Central should be top-notch quality. So, buy away.
NECESSARY TIME TRAVEL DISCLAIMER
Since there a lot of unforeseen occurrences with time travel, it would be naïve of you to think that I, a humble intern, would have all the answers regarding the subject. Being that they're from the future, wouldn't they have known about the flux capacitor problem beforehand? And if Duane Reade is such a problem in the future, why not go back and alter the past so he's never born at all? These are all great questions. But, only a loser would ask these questions. You're not a loser, right? Of course you're not.
So, the Pope died, huh? Yeah, pretty crazy...