Off-Topic Post #224: Why I Love The Asterisk
Few characters in the written word are so versatile. Few characters have the ability to say so much in such a small glyph. Three lines of equal length, crossed at their centers, placed equidistantly around a Z-axis.My asterisks, because of the font, take a different form, similar to a star. That fact might derail this entire post, but we'll just sweep that little inconsistency under the carpet. And... I have a feeling you won't remember it anyway...
This is the marvel that is the asterisk. Placed at the bottom of a page, an asterisk allows an author to interject and further elaborate on material presented within the body of a piece while still maintaining the continuity of the work.*
Now I’m sure many have noticed that I am quite the utilizer of the asterisk. I like them. They make me feel safe, like a security blanket. Like a security blanket made of asterisks. And also silk. Possibly chocolate. Silky, chocolate asterisks.
There are reasons I use the asterisk more than, say, the tilde (~) or the umlaut/diaeresis (ë). Those particular characters lack the flavorful, literary zest of the asterisk. But mostly, they’re just dumb and stupid, and no one loves them, and no one will be sending them Christmas cards this year. The asterisk will be inundated with Christmas cards this year, and I’ll bet it’ll receive a few holiday fruitcakes as well. People love the asterisk so much they’re going to be sending baked goods to the asterisk on Christmas. The tilde says it’s Jewish and that it doesn’t celebrate Christmas, but I think it’s a front created out of humiliation. It gets no cards. It gets no cards at all.
But let’s get to the specifics. What exactly makes the asterisk so great, besides the fact that it totally kicks ass?
There's no need to be certain of anything. Worried that your material needs "facts" or "a point of view"? An asterisk allows for the most noncommittal of writing. Is this true, or is it the opposite? Why not both?**
It acts as a pit stop for readers. The asterisk allows the reader to take a short break from reading to do some reading. People who read are not having enough words thrown at them at one time. Sure, a page full of words is okay, but I often stop reading in frustration simply because there aren't enough words entering my eyes. Even if for no logical reason at all, the asterisk crams more words onto the page.***
The asterisk will weed out readers who are under the influence of drugs. It sounds far-fetched, I know. But the asterisk has powers -- supernatural powers, really -- beyond its conventional uses. It has the power to identify and subsequently freak out readers who are currently reading your work while on drugs. I'll demonstrate, but not because I want to alienate anyone reading this who may in fact be on drugs. If anything, I want to keep you happy, because your standards are so low. With you, I don't have to work as hard. Because you're on drugs. And everything is funny to you. I could really do anything. Anything at all. Like this...
If I know the drugged audience as well as I think I do, right now they're either laughing uncontrollably, hysterical with fear, or chasing a bouncy ball that just passed into their field of vision. Go! Go get it!
If you're clean, the asterisk below will remain the same the entire time. If you're not clean... well, no one really knows how the asterisk operates. It's rumored to focus in on the fears of each reader individually and exploit those fears. If you fear, say -- oh, I don't know -- Care Bears, then the asterisk will sense that. Or if you fear, say -- again, off the top of my head -- the Quaker Oats guy, the asterisk will sense that as well. So, take a deep breath. Relax. And good luck.
(click on me... I weed out druggies)
* Like this.
** And neither.
*** Like this. See? No reason at all.
Retroactive Epileptic Seizure Warning
For those of you who may suffer from epilepsy, it was probably risky for you to have viewed these animations given their intense and colorfully crazy nature. In retrospect, it would have been better for you to have skipped those crazy seizure-inducing animations. So, let me give you a heads up, a word of warning: You shouldn't have looked at those.
posted by Andy @ 8:34 AM
51 Comments:
A line of asterisks looks remarkably like a stick of black licorice. Oh that's right. We aren't talking about licorice any more.
dude: you're on something..give it to me.
Argh!! It's Skeletor!!
I am a comma person myself, and I feel the urge to use commas when ever my brain pauses. Luckily, my mind is like a speeding bullet, so it doesn't happen frequently. ,
Me, I'm a fan of the parentheses. (Preferably both, though I do have a soft spot for the right (closing) parenthesis, as it is so often misplaced with respect to other punctuation.) They allow you to insert your opinion where it may not otherwise be appropriate.
You've convinced me that the asterisk is not far behind though. Great blog, I look forward to each new post (mildly look forward to them, not like in an "I have nothing else to do but wait for you to post again" kind of way).
Asterisks serve their purpose... but ellipses (...) are my bread and butter. They're the working man's comma.
You uh, misspelled "drugs" in the last word of the last sentence of the last paragraph of the last post. Of course, no one will knowtis this because they're on dugs.
< /seizure >
DAMN YOU!
I, myself, am partial to semi-colons.
If you're willing to share whatever drugs you're on, please let me know.
(a refugee from the Next Blog button--and incidentally, thank you for using vowels when you write.)
lets here it for the "\" !!!
What is the plural of "asterisk"? isn't it asterices??
Personally, I feel the tilde is one of the best inventions in modern times. ~Without this modern marvel, how would we make things ~~~jump out~~~ in such a pretty way?~
They're also Useful when signing your name
~jassie~
Though asteriks look wonderful as well
*jassie*
But, the most beautiful display is actually a compromise
~*~Jassie~*~
Oh my gosh! I'm on drugs & I don't even realize I took them! Thank you for showing me the light. Asterisks & kitties saved my life. ***********************************
only you could have written an entire ode to an asterisk, i swear. i do feel that you haven't given the tilde its fair share. it's really not meant to be alone like that. it makes up part of the spanish alphabet and we're just being ethnocentric here by not recognizing at least that much.
btw, am a big fan of the period. it's to the point, no-nonsense. reading would be a total bitch without it. a sine qua non, so to speak. i relate to the period. it gets me.
I am presently on drugs.
More importantly, I have a history of epilepsy.
Fortunately, your post left me unscathed. Lucky for you, you interning freak.
But truthfully, I stared long and hard into the beauty of the asterix. Loved that graphic. OoooH. More bang for my addict buck! Lovely!
Marijuana just makes it more purty.
All right, so I'm a blog whore. In all my whoring finesse, I'm asking all y'all to stop by www.thelastditch.blogspot.com and tell me precisely why I suck.
Thank you for your participation.
The asterisk, yes, it's alright. I just have some issues with it since it seems to always distract me in English textbooks so I spend 10 minutes reading "side notes" about boring pilgrims or some such.
Me, I'm a semi-colon kind of girl. I tend to ramble, so I'm enthralled by a useful bit of puncuation that makes it possible for me to turn an entire paragraph into one long sentence; here, for example, it could have ended but no, the semi-colon was there for me; and here, you thought it was over, but the semi-colon made this sentence possible, as well.
I hope you like Christmas cookies, semi-colon.
What is the plural of "asterisk"? isn't it asterices??
Nope.
Just kidding; I've seen it both ways, but I find "asterisks" to be the clearer and more common of the two.
I just started reading your blog [there was a link to it from the dashboard], and it is wonderful.
Beyond the asterisk, your title alone includes two symbols we know to come from parts of the human body. We have:
: (the colon)
# (the pound, or sometimes the hash; not necessarily drugs)
"Asterices" is the pompous "I'm a science and literature genius. Marvel at my grasp of plurality" version.
I would be wary of pomposity on demand like that.
Asterisks is not only cool but easy to make it sound like you're drinking when you lisp the "sks" ending out. Kind of a game everyone can play.
I would comment, but I just can't get enough of this bouncy ball.
All hail the semicolon, that underutilized king of punctuation marks. Not to be confused with the dash -- or the double dash -- which is for offsetting phrases, much like the asterisk, except you don't have to scroll to the bottom to find out the parathentical phrase. No, the semicolon -- which has yet to make an appearance in this comment -- (and by the way, those double dashes should have been commas) is much maligned and misused, yet it never complains.
Take that, you asterisk!
I would comment, but I just can't get enough of this bouncy ball.
Now that made me laugh out loud.
although I have no preference on symbols, I do pity the "slash" (/).
It's use in the english vocabulary has simply descended into the slang term for "number 1".
Which makes the "backslash" even worse.
Pledge money now for the unfortunate slashes.
Except the guitarist for Guns n' Roses... he can get stuffed.
I was pondering whether i should remark on the various traits that appear to be unique to you and crack addicts, but it would seem that fellow bloggers have taken the liberty of bringing it to your attention already.
As for the asterisk, i believe that it's flair and sexual appeal is superceeded only by the circumflex.
Undeniable arousal.
Hey, do you have a photo?? Show us who the genius behind all this is!
I still have allegiance to the all-important period. Where, oh where would we be sans period?
Then there's the comma.
But don't get me started.
Ixnay on the hotopay, eh? Don't post a photo. My illusions of you are fragile. Don't go shattering 'em.
What's wrong with a little mystery, people?
im having nightmares about the care bears now, thank you very much.
A perfunctory lesson in semiotics succeeded by a didactic impression of substance induced* existentialism.
*The flashback that was once guaranteed finally arrived. It's OK. No, really, I'm fine**.
**I'm not.
Sleep deprivation is like a drug. Well, except for the first few hours. Those first few suck cause your so damn tired. But after that you forget about it and then everything seems funny to you. Like frankensnoggles. Frankensnoggles are quite hilarious when you are tired. Actually, they can be entertaining at any time, but you cannot fully appreciate them unless you are tired. Me, I'm a carrot (^) myself.
I wish I was on drugs because those cats pretty much made me pee myself while straight. I'd still be laughing now if stoned.
As for the asterisk, it's a fine little fella (though I'm with Omar on the parentheses)*
*Which I like to call brackets
I just have one question. How did the asterisk know about my secret fear of the Quaker Oatmeal dude? I thought I had kept this fear well-hidden all my life.
I never knew about the magical powers of the asterisk. I just thought it looked cool. Thanks for opening my eyes!
You know, in Britain, I think they call the forward slash (/) the 'stroke.' So I vote for that, it's friendly sounding punctuation mark---very friendly indeed.
Why are you being so unfairly favorable toward *astericks*? Not that astericks aren't kick ass, but why not do a "thing" on ~tildes~ or (parentheses) or "quotations" or any of the other things anyone mentioned?!! Just a thought....i think it would be cool.
cool blog. love it.
HAHAHA I watch japanese cartoons for thrills... your tiny, star's intern can not even do anything.
long live stars! long live pokemon!!
Down with asterisks!!!
Manoj
You are far too good to waste your life on eternal or temporary internship. Think well, think twice: Do you see yourself 29 yrs from now or even next year, married, three kids, copying - out of the PR wall clock or stationary - medicines names as prescriptions for your immortal followers?
You seem to be smarter than this.
Wake up before it's too late******
Warm regards from Tel-Aviv
My previously undiscovered drug addiction really has me in a dither. Not only will my coworkers have to continue to endure my frequent giggling at New York Intern posts, but now I will have to resort to stealing money from them in order to support my habit. Life's a crack addict, as they say.
For me...the "quotes"...quote everything. Throw the reader off. Make it look like there is dialogue or perhaps a "secret" code. Ahhhh...the "quotes". Have you ever paired them with an asterisk? Make the reader think like you are going to give credit to someone for that "quote", but not list anything at the end at all.
I'm sick with the "quotes".
Speaking as a former copy editor, I love asterisks in everyday use because they don't let us use them at work.
In other words, I feel so ****ing naughty.
Fuck off.
I hate cats.
So anyway, is the singular of "licorice" "licorix"?
Asterix & Obelix? whatever
I personally think that parentheses or brackets are great, and since a mouth full of teeth-brackets looks like these ***** , I feel comfortable with asterisks as well
As for Slashes or strokes, they both kick ass in music
PS Since it's Jewish, I'm sending the tilde ~ a Hannukah card
I love the elipse...it's simply great! I really like using them when I IM...
Me: Typing part of a story...
Me: ...and utilizing the almighty elipse to dramticly draw it out!
...Go Elipse...
Hosted Asterisk VOIP provider
In November 2001 I wrote an article for sportsbook Communications Solutions Magazine (precuror to the #1 VoIP magazine, Internet Telephony Magazine) titled "In Search Of A Linux-Based PBX" . In that article I espoused the benefits of Linux and bet nfl open source and pondered why there wasn't an open source Linux-based PBX. It was then that I discovered and wrote about Asterisk which virtually no one knew about and which was still up-and-coming.
http://www.enterbet.com
wonderful advice and discussing,I will get this great for me .thank you!…
Nothing is impossible for a willing heart
Great post. Time is so precious and we cannot afford to waste it. Reminds of a comment a friend recently made "it's not how much time you put into something, it the energy you put into the time spent." Really do it or don't bother, right? Thanks for reinforcing this important life lesson Chris!
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