Thursday, April 21, 2005

A Little Tale About A Mohawk And The Intern Who Gave It A Home

The following post is true. I do have a mohawk, though it's grown in quite a bit. And I am very cool. But since truth doesn't really sit well with me, first I'm going to tell this story in the third person. Like a fairy tale. I will be playing the role of Intern Andy. Also, to make it more fairy tale-like, my character will be a rabbit. And I will wear people clothes. The other characters in the story will also be animals. They will also wear people clothes. So, sit back boys and girls.

There was once an intern named Andy. Intern Andy was a rabbit. Intern Andy really loved his internship, and his internship really loved him. Intern Andy wanted a mohawk more than anything in the world. Unfortunately, Intern Andy didn't have the money. See, Intern Andy was an intern, and interns more often than not receive no wage for their services.

78% of interns resort to some form of cannibalism as a result of not having the money to eat. 50% of those interns become so distressed by life that they get mohawks. 0.005% of those interns is named Intern Andy. Intern Andy has a mohawk. Ipso facto, Intern Andy eats people. The real Intern Andy, I mean. Not the rabbit.

Everyday, Intern Andy would pass by the pet store, see all the little mohawks playing in the window and dream of someday owning a mohawk. And sometimes, Intern Andy would cry when he realized he might never have one.

Intern Andy's two friends, Intern Melissa, a luck dragon, and Intern Jake, a bear, knew that Intern Andy wanted nothing more than to have his very own mohawk. They also knew that Intern Andy's birthday was fast approaching.

Intern Melissa and Intern Jake didn't buy Intern Andy the mohawk and it was the source of bitterness for years to come. But they were interns, too, and had no money to spend on mohawks. When Intern Andy's birthday arrived and he received no mohawk, he knew that desperate times would call for desperate measures. This was of course after he cried though the night.

Intern Andy robbed a bank later that week and was caught instantly. Well, he's a rabbit and rabbits can't really hold guns or money, or slip away undetected. Intern Andy went to jail. And Intern Andy didn't like jail. It was a scary place for him. He was there for nearly a year when his friends Melissa the luck dragon and Jake the bear finally broke him out. Quite easily in fact. Well, because they are a luck dragon and a bear. Seems pretty obvious how they would do it.

To their amazement, Intern Andy came out of prison with a mohawk, which he had apparently crafted out of random debris he had found in the prison yard. Intern Andy was also hard as shit and talking all kinds of street talk. Intern Andy's new name was The Viper Den. He had all sorts of trouble readjusting to society, but he now he had his mohawk, and that completes the story arc. Also, he could kill a man with a towel and a bar of soap. That's impressive for a rabbit. And, being an intern, he knew exactly where the towel and soap went after he was finished disposing of someone in the prison's shower area.


I had always wanted to get a mohawk. Coming to New York all by myself allows me a certain amount of anonymity. Though I've gotten to know a lot of great people since arriving in the big city, it's a different situation than it would be owning a mohawk in the Wisconsin town I grew up in. Whereas in New York, freaks are welcomed with open arms — by other freaks, as it turns out, some with no arms at all — in my hometown they're welcomed mostly by angry mobs and torches.

Just kidding. Little Midwest humor there. The angry mobs in my hometown rarely use the torches anymore. Now the townsfolk simply ostracize. "Point and ostracize, children!" the parents would say. Kidding again. Children in my hometown don't need to be told. Again, more of that Midwestern humor.

Actually, mohawks are not welcomed so warmly in New York either. The people here seem to look at it with the same frightened curiosity they do in Wisconsin. Well, when I finally decided to get a mohawk, I went to a small barbershop in the subway after work. As I received "the hawk," the entire 4,5, and 6 train community looked on. I even got people stopping to take photos.* I was a freak, put on display. At the time the hair was being cut, people seemed very interested, but walking home that day, no one thought anything of it. And it's a testament to the people of New York. They see these kinds of things everyday. "Wow, a mohawk. Interesting. MOVE, ASSHOLE!"**

People look at you differently when you have a mohawk. They sort of keep their distance from you, as if at any moment you're going to let out an ear-piercing scream and start head butting them. Now, of the thousands of people-encounters I've had during my stay here, only twice have I resorted to head butts. Screaming is a given, but head butting is a wild generalization, and I resent it.

I personally receive a large number of curious looks on account of my mohawk. But also because I'm a rabbit. And also because I'm a rabbit wearing people clothes. And I hang out with other animals. And they wear people clothes, too.

* The truth.
** So much truth your mind has just been blown


At 4:12 AM, Blogger RichD said...

But do they have any arms?

At 5:00 AM, Blogger fluidthought said...

move to london, andy - no one will bat an eyelash ;)

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At 5:32 AM, Blogger turboslut said...

I also want to comment about your post. You comments about mowhawks are so true, even in London.

My father, and all his friends, have been punks and goths since their teens. And although I think people are more accepting of it in London, he still gets odd looks today.

He loves it though, and likes to be different and stand out in a crowd. What's the point otherwise :)

At 6:04 AM, Blogger girlspit said...

At least a mohawk insures that you will only come into contact with the most colorful New Yorkers. I mean, everyone else would probably cross the street to avoid your hair.

Well, that's what they tell us to do in Tennessee if you see something scary in the big city, anyway.

At 10:23 AM, Blogger snaars said...

He would dispose of them in the hamper and the soap dish ... wouldn't he? ... Andy?

Poor little Andy the Intern. *sniff* *sniff*

I can't wait to see on my local bookstore shelves the new Andy the Intern line of children's fairy tales.

Very good use of dramatic tension! You do realize that right up to the end of the story we were expecting Andy to eat Melissa and Jake, right?

At 11:45 AM, Blogger Random said...

YAY for midwestern humor. Mind you that even if you all have quit using torches, we in cowtown have evolved to flame throwers--rather handy around some rather stupid people.

At 11:56 AM, Blogger jazz said...

since it has grown out a bit...i think you should cut it down again before you leave. give those wisconsonites something to talk about!

At 12:55 PM, Blogger cat said...

The mohawk and the "faux" hawk are HUGE in San Francisco right now with hipster dudes. Totally not a punk thing. But then again, San Francisco is pretty much a fashion free for all.

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

Hey! My ex-cell mate Betty was, (well, she called it -) dating a rabbit with a mo-hawk that she met on! What a small world! Of course, I don't really thank you for the suggestions you gave her about how to get me to do her laundry...

Enjoy that mohawk. But I gotta tell ya-experience has taught me that the screaming fits are loud enough to recommend anyone cross the street when a mohawked intern comes near. Or get the torches, we still use them in my hometown - sometimes old school is just better, especially when it involves bigotry.

At 1:55 PM, Blogger Meira Rages said...

Your blog makes me happy.

At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

- H. (

At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah enjoy it while you can; I am sure you will go bald in a few years.

At 3:31 PM, Blogger Lia said...

very true about london - the strangest-looking people i've seen have been in london. and i grew up in new york!

just out of curiosity, how much don't you get paid? because i know some barbers who give haircuts really cheap . . . and if you don't mind if they shave off the sides and leave the top long, there's probably a discount.

At 6:44 PM, Blogger Seventeen Syllables said...

oh intern andy,
why must you abandon us?
stay, funny bunny!

At 8:54 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

"Intern Andy's new name was The Viper Den."
The Viper Den. That is what the French call "Gold," except they say it in french.

At 3:05 AM, Blogger The Joseph said...

I randomly stumbled upon your blog. Cool blog.

Mohawks rock.
Since you're in New York in all, and taking into account the new heights of Donald Trump's popularity, have you ever considered getting hair like "The Donald?" You can go around firing anyone you want, even if you're just the intern. And I'm sure it looks good on everybody: men, women, rabits, oompa-loompa's, etc.

Best of luck with your internship and everything!

At 3:20 AM, Anonymous Geronimo said...

Well, I've Got nothing to say... except I was watching your profile earlier today, and I noticed you not only have seen Office Space, but it's also one of your favorites, how f*ckin'cool is that?, other than you and me ( I correct, including us), I don't think there's more than 5 people in the world who have even seen it, and I also had a mohawk once, but that's another story, great blog!!!

At 5:25 AM, Blogger Shalom said...

not only did the truth in your story blow my mind, it also made me fiercely crap my pants. and for that, I must thank you.

At 8:46 AM, Blogger latina marie said...

i don't think you need to worry too much about looking like a freak with a mohawk. when it's ok for people in alabama to have them, i'd say they're "in" in a big way. and the "faux" hawk thing, too. what's up with that? this seems to be a big thing with guys around mobile. they're just too chicken to go for the real thing...but the mississippi sea wolves' goalie has the real thing...impressive. he plays hockey in the deep south AND he has a mohawk...daring.

At 9:03 AM, Anonymous Laurie Abkemeier said...

I'm a literary agent with DeFiore and Company. I like your style. Keep me in mind if you have a book idea in the future.

At 9:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

awwww, no! don't leave us mohawk andy bunny in people clothes!!!! i won't have any other fairy tales or blogs to read that make me laugh, and happy.

love you and your blog and your mohawk and your midwestern humor. keep it up, wherever you might go. i will be one of the zombies that follow. thank you. goodnight.

At 4:17 PM, Blogger Neal said...

Andy, you're utterly insane.

Welcome to New York and thanks for that post - cracked me up.

The proverbial good shit, yo.

At 1:42 AM, Anonymous Mattttt said...

Now that you're in the metro area, deary, you must remember: do not leave New York City for anything. New Jersey and Long Island are officially the guido capitals of the United States, and you'll end up dead sooner in these two areas than in the midwest.

Always be wary of the striped dress-shirt and Caeser Dep-gelled haircut.

At 2:56 AM, Blogger mrsmogul said...

Hey there, if you have time, read my post this past week on how Deniro ripped me off. Also, of when I was an MTV intern, a post I wrote last week

At 11:22 AM, Blogger Rohit said...

Good stuff as usual!

At 1:04 PM, Blogger Sarah Eliza said...

Congradulations! Now you get to be in some other intern's blog about those freaks on the subway.

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