One Last Chinatown Trek
My friends Jake, Melissa and I wanted to see Chinatown once more before we left the city. Even after going there as many times as I had, I was still not used to the complete and utter bombardment of illegal activity that is Chinatown. It wasn't so much that we wanted to be there; we had to be there. Because there was one more thing we needed to get before we left for home. We didn't need watches or purses or sunglasses, all of which look strikingly similar to the designer name-brand version of the same product. I mean, heh-heh, you could probably attach a fake Gucci label to a knock-off hand bag and sell it as if it were Gucci, but, come on, this is Chinatown. Nothing like that goes down here. Silly billy.No, we needed only one item. A blinged-out medallion with supernatural powers.
If there's anywhere in the world where you can pick up a supernaturally powered medallion at a low, low price, Chinatown would be it. So, we set off into the hustle and bustle of Canary Street on a quest to find the coolest looking — most reasonably priced — medallion or amulet with supernatural powers that we could find.
We poked our heads into all the shops we could find, but no one wanted to provide us with a medallion that had supernatural powers. There were plenty of medallions and amulets — money signs and crucifixes and Superman symbols. But alas, none of them would allow us to steal and contain the souls of others, or breathe fire, or live forever. We wanted one like this...
Finally, after searching for a number of hours, we met one man who said he could deliver the merchandise we were looking for. He took us into a back alley, passed all of the purses and watches and sunglasses.
"I believe this is the item for which you seek," he said, stroking his mustache. "I received this dragon medallion from a wise old Chinese man outside of Kunming. He seemed hasty to rid himself of it. Only when I discovered it's true power did I understand his urge to sell."
We all sat in awe, eager to discover the magical properties of this medallion. "What does it do?" asked Melissa.
"Oh, it is a very special medallion," said the man in a dark whisper. "When worn, it allows you to inhabit the bodies of other people and then extricate their essence from their physical body — YOU WILL STEAL THEIR SOUL! MWAHAHAHA!"
...
"Sweet!" we all said simultaneously. "Dude, we will so take that!" I said.
"Twenty dollars," said the Chinese man.
"What?" said Jake. "That's crap! We're not paying twenty for that. Come on, guys. Let's go. There's probably a supernatural medallion store down the street."
"Very well," said the Chinese man. "Fifteen dollars. Final offer."
"Sorry, buddy," I said. "No deal. Too bad, too. I really felt like stealing some souls today. I guess me and burdensome ten dollar bill will have to go elsewhere."
He never went lower than fifteen. But he did show us some fine Rolexes. And Prada bags. Prada bags... Rolexes... soul-stealing medallions.* A fine selection. A Chinatown selection.
We never did find the soul sucking medallion we wanted. No one seemed to have one. Well, they had them, but twenty dollars? F that. We might have even settled for non-blinged out supernatural medallions, too. Honestly. It didn't necessarily have to be decked out in ice.**
Anyway, that guy was a complete waste of time. So, if you see him in Chinatown, don't do your business with him. He's a shady dude. Twenty for a soul-absorbing medallion? Give me a break. I found this picture of him. Spread it around. Warn any other Chinatown shoppers you know.
* And over-priced at that.
** "Ice" means diamonds. And in Chinatown, "diamonds" means "These are not diamonds."
posted by Andy @ 10:30 PM
20 Comments:
Dude. Is that the creepy guy from Big Trouble in Little China? You'd think someone who's been in a movie with Kurt Russell could cut you a better deal. How far they do fall...
Dude. Is that the creepy guy from Big Trouble in Little China? You'd think someone who's been in a movie with Kurt Russell could cut you a better deal. How far they do fall...
Hahaha. Brilliant.
And I don't mean to step on toes, but yes, girlspit, that's the dude from Big Trouble in Little China. He has definitely fallen on some hard time. Strangely enough, last time I went downtown, Kurt Russell tried to sell me some "Oklee" sunglasses and a treasure map for the fountain of youth. I called him a filthy bum and told him to get a job. He responded by crying.
But back to the topic at hand. You rule, Andy. You f-in rule. And by "f-in", I mean you rule a whole lot.
heck yeah!
i love you intern andy but i gotta go...am late for my rex-kwon-do training.
oh yeah, and feed tina before you go!
you'll be missed...until you start up your next blog. i'm giving you exactly 1 week to do so before i get impatient. i can hunt you down. i know where you live! mwahahaha
you would LOVE haggling food goods in china! try to get an intership in hong kong or shanghai...both have awesome markets where you definitely could get a soul-sucking medallion.
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Dude, you're lucky you didn't get stuck with a Gremlin for 10 dollars.
Damn, I'm gonna miss this blog.
You must go on.
I was there a few weeks ago. And my little cousin was trying to get a fake rolex. And he asked for it at like 20 bucks. I've never seen such a scowl and then she yelled out, "shoo shoo you go home!"
How many more posts are we gonna get out of you, Andy?
Poor guy?! He's a pal of mine and tells me that he pulls down 600G a year selling bewitched amulets to ex-interns. Good on ya, Andy, for holding out. They're really rip-offs of the ACTUAL amulet sold in Milan. Your bargaining skills prove you've become a true New Yorker!
How many more posts are we gonna get out of you, Andy?
Two more for sure.
One last full-on entry. And when I say full-on, I mean blood, sweat and tears went into it. Seriously, it's dangerously large and intricate. But I have faith that you guys will like it.
And then a general goodbye post, to generally wrap it up.
Shame you didn't keep searching for that thing. Someone told me that just around the corner where you were there was Merciless Ming and he had those soul-stealing Medallions on sale at only $ 8 a piece, or you could trade half-dozen gremlins for two medallions... , but who needs 2 soul-stealing medallions anyway? I can't spare my gremlins just like that
i'll check the vancouver china town for one...
Feel free to come and check it out if you get time :-)
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Well this is all pretty racist.
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