Sunday, April 24, 2005

Parting Tips For Future New Yorkers

Since I'll be leaving in a week, I thought I could give a few tips, a few bits of info, to people interested in becoming future New Yorkers. As is obvious by this blog, I know very little; these are just random things I've noticed and made a mental note of at some point during the adventure.


#1 Don't Come To New York City
Don't come to this place.

#2 If You Must Come, Bring One Million Dollars
You'll need a lot of money if you want to live in New York — one million dollars will start you off pretty well. The odd thing is, I have absolutely no idea why. Everything is expensive, true. But why it costs more is beyond me. It certainly isn't the quality level. Sometimes I think people in New York simply pay for the thrill of living in a big city. It's similar to if NASA opened up a theme park and charged people for the chance to experience what it would be like to live on the moon. New Yorkers are being charged for the chance to experience what it would be like to live in New York. There's no other explanation.

#3 Always Walk Around Like You're Looking For Your Next Victim
When you walk the streets of this city, you need to look like you may snap at any moment. Crazy people come in all kinds, and you never know who is a psycho and who isn't. The crazies don't seem to bother other crazies. So, get crazy.

#4 Get Used To "Atmosphere" Restaurants
Atmosphere restaurants are restaurants whereby you pay money for really no services rendered at all. New York isn't the cleanest place and so these restaurants need something going for them. It's called "imaginary cool restaurant." Often the food isn't that great, but it's the atmosphere you're there for. Basically, you're paying more to feel like the restaurant you're eating at is much more important than it probably is. For instance, this blog is free, but if I charged you ten dollars to view it, and got a bunch of initial suckers — wait, I shouldn't call them suckers... no, suckers works fine — to pay for it, then people would start saying, "Hey, this blog isn't free, but it's pretty popular, so it must be worth it. I'm in." Then, regardless of how blatantly clear it is that this blog sucks, you would still think it's cool, because everyone else does.

#5 Don't Go To The Empire State Building
It costs about twelve dollars to go to the observation deck. I went with a friend and we waited approximately three hours to get to the top. Yes, it is very tall. But, honestly, this is why we invented cameras and pictures. One person takes one for the team, goes to the top of the building. That person takes a picture. That person comes back down the building and shows the picture to other people, who then do not have to go to the top. Trust me, it's solid logic.

#6 Seriously, The Empire State Building Isn't Worth It
...

#7 Don't Walk In The City Unless You Are The Flash
If you aren't DC superhero The Flash, don't walk around in Manhattan. Because even The Flash, with his incredible speed, will get dirty looks and annoyed sighs from New Yorkers for not walking as fast as he should be.



#8 Disposing Of Trash
If you acquire garbage while touring the city, don't worry about it. Just do what everyone else seems to do; toss it off the platform and onto the tracks of a subway station.

#9 Don't Go To Subway Stations
Just buy a rickshaw. Did you see that episode of Seinfeld? That was a good one.

#10 Taxi Drivers
Every language has a word for "nutcase," and if you take cabs in the city, you'll likely hear all of those languages and meet plenty of nutcases. Again, rickshaws are awesome.


Keeping those things in mind, you should do all right here.

52 Comments:

At 7:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

YES! I'm an intern here too, and i'm leaving ASAP. for all those reasons. well, mostly because i don't have a million dollars. but if i did, or if i had a mohawk, i would live here forever.

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger Eyes said...

Duly noted. I've just scratched NY off my things to do list. Not an easy thing to do since it was never there in the first place. ;) I'm perfectly happy with the left coast.

Good luck where ever you're going.

 
At 8:07 PM, Blogger jazz said...

andy, you'll come back. trust me...this place sucks you in.

"when you tire of new york, you tire of life"

you're so right about the walking though. i'm not flash, but i'm definitely speedy gonzales and i do okay.

 
At 9:37 PM, Blogger The Girl said...

You're hilarious. And all the reasons above are why I love Chicago. It's clean; it's gorgeous; people aren't as uptight; and I would actually recommend going to the top of the Hancock.

 
At 9:52 PM, Blogger meems said...

Brooklyn ain't so bad. As long as you don't count Williamsburg, which used to be the new Lower East Side, which is now the new Williamsburg. I actually read this in an actual article somewhere.

But all points above are true and should be taken seriously. And this gal Olivia has a point. Chicago rocks. Why am I here again?

Good luck, Andy.

 
At 11:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the Flash is from DC which explains why the person you thought was the Flash wasn't going fast enough.

 
At 12:10 AM, Blogger jazz said...

andy andy, i know what you're doing. you're trying to trick yourself into thinking you want to leave.

don't deny your feelings!!!

 
At 2:05 AM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Ah, you've figured me out.

 
At 2:06 AM, Blogger Rohit said...

this post pretty much sums up the big cities of the world; they are not worth it unless you already live in one of them.If you do then it's your duty to lure in more suckers and make their life more miserable than it already is.You have broken that unspoken law.

You must be eliminated.

 
At 2:43 AM, Blogger Chronic_Roll said...

Do you think you became funnier or less funny as a result of your internship at the Comedy Central? If you did become funnier I would say it had nothing to do with the internship and more to do with the poverty you may have experienced. Poverty is really funny in a cruel and merciless way. Although it is wierd to be poor but also be proficient at Adobe Photoshop. Well, it may not be wierd, and maybe I just don't know what's hip/fly/crunk with the kids anymore.

 
At 3:31 AM, Blogger misslisette said...

Hilarious! But I must admit that I'm a victim of reverse psychology. Reading the reasons for not going to New York made me want to visit more, equipped with customary rickshaw, of course. (Perhaps by charging people on to use it I could make my million dollars, take people away from taxi driver nutcases and seem crazy all at the same time?)

 
At 4:02 AM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Do you think you became funnier or less funny as a result of your internship at the Comedy Central?

Hmm, good question.

Probably funnier. Then again, I think Voltron is a relevant blog reference and topic, so who can really say?

But, you're right. Not having a lot of money builds character. Just like shoveling snow and fighting bears. Both of which I've had much experience in.

 
At 6:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

boo.

i'm going to miss your updates.

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger Mo said...

Intern Andy, I only just discovered your site and you're leaving! I hope you keep writing. This post was excellent. Good luck.

 
At 10:20 AM, Anonymous ANON !!!!!!!!!!!!!! said...

i dont like your site i'm afraid. its bland, and gives no real insight into NY.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger lovelygreensweater said...

Honestly Chicago is everything NY isn't(except the crazies, we have those too, in abundance), thats why I live here. But I must beg you Andy Please Please Please leave us a trail of cyber-breadcrumbs so we can follow you to your next location!! and Good Luck in Wisconsin, come visit Chicago sometime.

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger Ripsy said...

As a midwesterner in New York I can totally relate. The best thing is the tap water that no one drinks.

 
At 1:35 PM, Blogger Flash said...

I'm crossing the atlantic in a few weeks to visit NYC.
I assume I'm ok with the walking bit...

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger Courtney said...

I love seinfeld.

 
At 2:38 PM, Blogger Sarah Eliza said...

So I don't want to live in New York because I believe everything I read on the internet, and I don't wnat to live in suburbia because i believe everything I see in the movies, and I don't want to live in rural america because i believe everything i see with my own eyes.
Is finding a nice place to live easier when you're a little cynical about life?

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger k said...

I'm going to NY for my first time with a few girlfriends in October. Apparently it's $75 a night just for a hostel. That sucks.
I'm not going to europe, so why would I want to stay in a hostel, because hotels start at $300 USD a night.
Lame.
I'm sure even though you are trying to convince yourself that you don't like the city, i'm sure it's grown on you and you will miss it :)
Happy finished-being-an-intern!
K

 
At 4:26 PM, Blogger Seventeen Syllables said...

Back to the Midwest!
We're not Manhattan, it's true--
for better or worse.

 
At 4:40 PM, Blogger Gloria Glo said...

I lived in San Diego for a spell - another place where $1 million will buy you a lower middle class existence. Seriously, I was so poor there that I lived in this evil ghetto with such a high crime rate that you had to go through security checks to get in and out of Mervyns (a clothing store for KMart's rejected lines). My apartment got robbed twice - and all my stuff had come from Mervyns, so you know how poor the ghetto was.

When I would complain, people would tell me, "Well, we pay for other people's play." So - pony up all you that have visited San Diego. You owe me about $40. (But if you're from NY, well, I guess we can call it even.)

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger Rachel_wjh said...

I find this blog strangely amusing...the material is very original and creative! These amounts of comments are crazy though! Do these 23 other people have no lives? My blog gets about 2 comments on good days...holy cow! I gotta get on the blogs of note, but while I and others wait...*cough*check out my blog*cough*

 
At 8:32 PM, Blogger girlspit said...

You forgot to tell people not to go to the Statue of Liberty either. It's a longer wait and you have to climb stairs. In the end, all you get is a view of Manhattan which you can see in many photographs, I'm sure.

At least you haven't been mugged. Yet. I mean, you still have a few days, right?

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger Chris said...

I'm crushed you are leaving NYC--I think your writing is wonderful and you make me laugh.

I hope you start another blog wherever you go (Wisconsin? eek...) because you're one of the bright spots in my morning.

 
At 1:15 AM, Blogger Masha said...

oh i love your blog, you keep me laughing, i love your writing style. though i do think n.y. is one of the awesomest cities. even though everything you said is true...hehehe :-)

 
At 2:38 AM, Blogger snub22 said...

I'm from Melbourne but was thinking of coming over to work in New York. I had all these fantasies of yellow cabs and great bars, bumping into celebrities in the street and awesome shopping. I had to remind myself of all the homeless people but I pictured myself as Florence Nightingale; giving food away to the poor.

Has anyone ever been to Melbourne? How do you think I'll handle it?

I figure going from anywhere in Australia to the states I'm going to feel like a country girl moving to the big smoke.

 
At 10:45 AM, Blogger jaded said...

ayos! sobrang nakakatawa ang site na to! :D
hope you find another interseting thing to write/blog about even after your internship.
good luck andy!

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger scribe called steff said...

Andy, I'm still gonna miss this blog.

And I'd still jump at a free trip to New York.

And I don't believe in standing in line for stupid monuments that just involve looking over a horizon that's bound to be filled with smog and shit.

Yeah, I don't know. Your posting made me sad. I know you're going on to probably make a new blog, but still.

At least you have literary agents whoring for you.

thelastditch.blogspot.com

ANDY--promise me that next time you'll use Haloscan comments? These ones keep freezing up sometimes and I've forgotten a few priceless lines as a result. Very sad stuff.

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger tabitha jane said...

being from the northwest, i can honestly say that reason #5 and #6 are also true for the space needle in seattle. seriously, it ain't worth it. go to the gift shop (it's free to get in) and find a nice postcard for your mother and then go to the experience music project (if you're rich) or hang out on the waterfront for free instead.

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger Former Intern Andy said...

Andy, I'm still gonna miss this blog.

And I'd still jump at a free trip to New York.

Yeah, I don't know. Your posting made me sad. I know you're going on to probably make a new blog, but still.


Well, not to worry. I still have at least one very big post left in me.

I will make a new blog, but I haven't decided on a theme just yet.

 
At 11:30 PM, Blogger fluidthought said...

andy - if you do make a new blog, please let me know. you're on my blogroll and i think your posts are great. i found you through the deepblog 'most promising new blogs' thing. Does this mean you will have another 'most promising new blog?' I certainly hope so. like the other comments have said here, you make me laugh - sometimes out loud - which is certainly a good thing. ok, enough accolades here - best of luck and (no pun intended here) keep us posted.

 
At 5:28 AM, Blogger Shalom said...

The Flash reference is absolutely priceless. You made my inner comic-book-loving, dorky, child smile.




...I'm almost positive I screwed up my comma work in that last sentence. Oh well.

 
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No one talks shit about my boyfriend!

 
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At 7:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have it's cool too.

 
At 12:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

typical. a bright-eyed suburban kid moves to the big city and feels betrayed when it's not what he thought. when will you people learn? have fun back in the cow pastures

ps: your flash remark leaves me to believe you're just another one of those slow, meandering jerks who walks so slowly they might as well be going backwards. you don't need to be the flash you just need to walk like you actually know where you're going.

 
At 4:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

snub22
don't freak about being a country girl. i come from ringgold georgia which is like the smallest city in america. im moving to ny so i think you should be fine.

 
At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HA!!! I AGREE!! NEVER go to the Empire State Buidling!

 
At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Andy you want to know why it cost so dam much here? Because of all the people who have moved here with a million to start out with. They are the ones who drove up the rent, willing to pay $1100 for a $750 a month spot. Now everyone has to pay that because the bar has beem raised by some guy with money. And yes I agree DONT COME HERE if your not from here. All you guys are doing is driving up the prices for me. Hey Andy have a safe trip home.

 
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