Parting Tips For Future New YorkersSince I'll be leaving in a week, I thought I could give a few tips, a few bits of info, to people interested in becoming future New Yorkers. As is obvious by this blog, I know very little; these are just random things I've noticed and made a mental note of at some point during the adventure.
#1 Don't Come To New York City
Don't come to this place.
#2 If You Must Come, Bring One Million Dollars
You'll need a lot of money if you want to live in New York — one million dollars will start you off pretty well. The odd thing is, I have absolutely no idea why. Everything is expensive, true. But why it costs more is beyond me. It certainly isn't the quality level. Sometimes I think people in New York simply pay for the thrill of living in a big city. It's similar to if NASA opened up a theme park and charged people for the chance to experience what it would be like to live on the moon. New Yorkers are being charged for the chance to experience what it would be like to live in New York. There's no other explanation.
#3 Always Walk Around Like You're Looking For Your Next Victim
When you walk the streets of this city, you need to look like you may snap at any moment. Crazy people come in all kinds, and you never know who is a psycho and who isn't. The crazies don't seem to bother other crazies. So, get crazy.
#4 Get Used To "Atmosphere" Restaurants
Atmosphere restaurants are restaurants whereby you pay money for really no services rendered at all. New York isn't the cleanest place and so these restaurants need something going for them. It's called "imaginary cool restaurant." Often the food isn't that great, but it's the atmosphere you're there for. Basically, you're paying more to feel like the restaurant you're eating at is much more important than it probably is. For instance, this blog is free, but if I charged you ten dollars to view it, and got a bunch of initial suckers — wait, I shouldn't call them suckers... no, suckers works fine — to pay for it, then people would start saying, "Hey, this blog isn't free, but it's pretty popular, so it must be worth it. I'm in." Then, regardless of how blatantly clear it is that this blog sucks, you would still think it's cool, because everyone else does.
#5 Don't Go To The Empire State Building
It costs about twelve dollars to go to the observation deck. I went with a friend and we waited approximately three hours to get to the top. Yes, it is very tall. But, honestly, this is why we invented cameras and pictures. One person takes one for the team, goes to the top of the building. That person takes a picture. That person comes back down the building and shows the picture to other people, who then do not have to go to the top. Trust me, it's solid logic.
#6 Seriously, The Empire State Building Isn't Worth It
#7 Don't Walk In The City Unless You Are The Flash
If you aren't DC superhero The Flash, don't walk around in Manhattan. Because even The Flash, with his incredible speed, will get dirty looks and annoyed sighs from New Yorkers for not walking as fast as he should be.
#8 Disposing Of Trash
If you acquire garbage while touring the city, don't worry about it. Just do what everyone else seems to do; toss it off the platform and onto the tracks of a subway station.
#9 Don't Go To Subway Stations
Just buy a rickshaw. Did you see that episode of Seinfeld? That was a good one.
#10 Taxi Drivers
Every language has a word for "nutcase," and if you take cabs in the city, you'll likely hear all of those languages and meet plenty of nutcases. Again, rickshaws are awesome.
Keeping those things in mind, you should do all right here.